Tag Archives: sex

Is there an elephant in your bedroom?

17 Jul

sexy 2 Did you know that getting it on is really good for you?

I mean Zumba is ok but the horizontal rumba kicks its arse all day long.

Sex boosts your immune system, can lower the risk of heart attack and stroke, makes your hair shinier, and can help battle the effects of mild depression and anxiety.

With sex being the most awesome multivitamin in the world, we should be banging the be-jesus out of each other all the damned time, but the fact is, most of us aren’t doing it like they do it on the Discovery Channel.

I can’t speak for everyone, because I have no idea what happens to a large majority of couples once you add kids, sleepless nights, endless housework, a dash of resentment, and regular exhaustion, but of the ladies I speak to candidly and regularly about sex,  almost all of them complain about the same thing.

The most physical they feel like getting with their partner is punching him in the face….. no, not really (maybe, sort of), but they don’t feel like giving him one either.

I’ve written before that I reckon rumpy pumpy is the tie that binds you as a couple, and if you ain’t doing it those shoes left laying in the lounge room, and the putting the washing beside the laundry hamper really start to get on your tits. Basically, if you’re getting regular intimacy (read : schnuggles and schtooping) you’re more grounded as a couple.

Less easily pissed.


That’s a fact.

If the intimacy element of your relationship is slipping, it doesn’t take long to become a whacking great elephant in the room. You’re avoiding each other, feigning sleep, maybe you’re even ‘doing it’ just to make the other person happy…. that’s a bit awks… Obligatory sex?


Remember my old buddy Isiah McKimmie, the sex therapist? She’s started up a new program called Juicy, Sexy, Love.


I was so pumped (not a euphemism) when I heard about it that when she offered my peeps a free crack at her introductory program I jumped at the chance because if you get onto this stuff early enough it can be a game changer for your relationship….as in, save that shit from going south-er-er.

Know what I’m saying?

Juicy, Sexy, Love. discusses the importance of intimacy as a couple, but it also delves into the other stuff, the really important stuff that will help your love life…… the stuff like -

Loving yourself.

Valuing yourself.

Feeling sexy and sexual and worthy of love and pleasure.

Remember that stuff?

That shit can be hard when you’re nipple deep in the daily sludge.

Isiah talks about the balance in your relationship. The balance of respect, the balance of power. You see sex isn’t just about the beast with two backs.

90% of love making is in your head, so if the planets aren’t aligning, you ain’t feeling the va-va-va-voom.

Anyway, the program itself is not open yet, but Isiah has given you peeps access to her 3 Keys to a Juicy Relationship, so you can suss it out and see if it’s something you think you can benefit from.

3 Keys to a Juicy Relationship is a three part video series, with little ‘play sheets’ so you and your partner can work together to reconnect, and rekindle your spark.



  • You’re ready to take action to improve your relationship and sex life.
  • You know that there are two people in a relationship and you have to work together to make it work.
  • You want to feel happier, more confident and have more energy.
  • You want to argue less and love more.
  • You’re willing to invest 8 weeks into making your relationship awesome.
  • You’re worried about what will happen to your relationship if things don’t get better again soon.


  • You want someone else to do the work on your relationship for you.
  • You want to blame your partner for what is happening in your relationship.
  • You’re not willing to set aside time to make your relationship better.
  • You’re having multiple, long-term problems in your relationship (we suggest you seek help through coaching).
  • You want to leave your relationship.

** This is not a sponsored post. I’m just a big fan of sex and shiny hair **

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Love is something we DO… and a sexy lovers giveaway.

23 Nov


A little while ago I had the pleasure of having an in depth chat about regaining your mojo with sex and relationship coach Isiah McKimmie.

She was cool to talk to for many reasons but one of which was her candidness about what can sometimes be a bit of an awks topic.

I was speaking to her purely for professional purposes of course, but she shared a few fab tips with me about getting back on the horse if mojo has waned in your relationship.

It was truly serendipitous that she contacted me just as I was putting the Awesome together, and although I’m not usually one for giveaways I think this one rocks it’s socks off…..or pants as the case may be.

Whether your relationship is hotter than ever, or slightly luke warm, this giveaway can add spice to your spice rack, if you know what I’m sayin’??

Over to Isiah….

If I’ve learned anything in my life, it’s that to keep things running smoothly, we have to put energy into them.

Think of a car, we need to fill it with fuel, check the water, give it a service once a year…  Or a garden – for it to thrive, we need to water and weed, tend it with loving care or if your green thumb is anything like mine, hire a gardener occasionally.

It strikes me though that one of the most important things in our lives we often forget to put energy into.  We forget that it also takes work, commitment, time, energy…  We think that it will just keep running well by itself.

Although we might say that this thing is the most important thing in our life, we find ourselves giving it less and less time as we squeeze in kids, work commitments, catching up with friends, volunteering at the school fete, landscaping the garden, our favourite TV shows…

I’m talking about our relationship, our partner, the love of our life.

I often wonder why it is that we prioritise so much before our relationship.  Is is because we think ‘love’ is enough?  That because we know we ‘love each other’ we can stop trying so hard?

 Love is a verb. 

Love needs to be something we do! 

Just one little gesture can make a big difference, one night out together can bring us so much closer, one good romp in the hay can help ease the tension that’s been building.

It doesn’t always take much.  But it does take something.  Action, effort shows that we really so value something

I read an alarming statistic earlier this year that said Australians spend twice as much money getting divorced as they do getting married.  I’d like to think that the work I do could go a little way to fixing that.  What can I say?  I’m a passionate romantic and lover of love!

That’s why I put together The 21 Day Passion Challenge.  I know that one of the first things we notice is ‘passion’ disappearing.  The 21 Day Passion Challenge is designed to help busy couples get it back with practical advice and fun activities that take less than an hour each day.  I know that passion is about more than sex.  Passion is about feeling connected, supported, appreciated, valued.  I know that passion also requires that we feel good about ourselves.

The 21 Day Passion program builds all of this.

Step by step.

To help the gorgeous Mrs Holsby celebrate her 12 Days of Awesome, I wanted to contribute something.  I’m inviting all of you to join The 21 Day Passion Challenge normally valued at $69.95 absolutely free.  This is my gift to you to help celebrate 12 Days of Awesome.

Because your relationship could be awesome.

Simply follow this link to register, and you will receive daily updates with secret video links to learn hot new moves, increase your sexual confidence, and pout SPARK back into your relationship in just 21 days.

I am launching my new book on the 28th November. 5 days….The countdown is on!

Cook Once, Feed All COVER_lr

Cook Once, Feed All is about making your life easier whilst preparing nutritious and quick food for your family. This book is a collection of family friendly recipes, all accompanied by stories from my life.

If you subscribe now to the Keeping Up With The Holsbys mailing list you will automatically receive my new mini-eBook ‘A Bit On The Side’  – A collection of fabulous summer salads and side dishes.

To pre-order your hardcopy of Cook Once, Feed All ($35) head to the Holsby Shop right now and you will be the first to receive the hard copy book after it launches on the 28th. You will also receive the Cook Once Feed All eBook (worth $15), plus the new eBook ‘A Bit on the Side’ (worth $5) as a bonus gift in your inbox today.

Three for the price of one, and you save $20.

Winning :-)

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Behind the red light… My night in a brothel.

20 Oct sex worker getting ready for work

behind the red light

Often prostitutes, or working girls, are portrayed as either drug addicted run-aways or glamorous high-class call girls. The gritty truth of the sex industry is generally somewhere in between.

When I approached my friendly neighborhood bordello I was fairly sure that I would never set foot in the place. Instead, when I made clear my motives, they welcomed me. In fact, I reckon I could pick up a few shifts if I ever wanted to.

Danielle says she has aged ten years in the last five years, and looking at her now, I see a woman who looks exhausted.
She’s just had a 9-hour shift and been with the same young guy for much of that time.

It’s nice when it’s a long call, because much of the time is spent hanging out, chatting and drinking rather than having back to back sex with clients trying to get bang for their buck.

A 12-hour shift with a lot of clients can take its toll.

For working girls, sore bits are just an occupational hazard, amongst many other health risks. Guys will try to get the girls to do natural French (no condom for oral) or sex. With all due respect to the ladies, what kind of moron would want to have unprotected sex with a prostitute? Obviously, the girls’ sexual health is their biggest concern. Their kit is their moneymaker.

Danielle has a few regulars, one of whom she’s been seeing every couple of weeks for three years.

Do you ever get attached?

Yeah, I do, you can’t help it. Sex is an intimate thing. Some of the guys get crazy about you but it would never go anywhere. It can’t.

 I guess the Pretty Woman idyll does not live here.

sex worker getting ready for work

Danielle is a 39-year-old, single mum of three who lives with her parents and her elderly grandmother.  After a string of bad relationships, when she found herself in a dire financial struggle, that she decided she would try prostitution.

Does it ever get to you?

Mentally, I’m pretty tough. Things just roll off my back. I’ve seen wackos, but they don’t bother me. I don’t like the pedophile guys. Guys come in and want you to act like you’re 12 or 13. I won’t do that. I won’t play under 16. I don’t do lesbian either.

 The girls are never required to do anything they don’t want to. If someone requests something out of the ordinary, like anal, or BDSM, they just opt out if they’re not into it. For the most part, it’s all fairly meat and potatoes.

Danielle’s mother found her out when an embittered ex-boyfriend called and left a message on her machine. Danielle couldn’t lie to her mother, so the cat-house cat was out of the bag. Her mother keeps her secret, and is very supportive, looking after her children while she works, sometimes days at a time without returning home.

The rest of her family believes she works as a receptionist in a hotel.

behind the red light

Danielle and I are lying on a bed, shooting the breeze like two teenagers on a sleepover, except there is a spa bath in the corner of the room and a TV playing porn above our heads. I try not to look at the TV but my eyes kept drawing towards it. It’s weird trying to have a chat with bouncing arses and boobs in your peripheral vision.

Holly is a tiny little slip of a woman. Glittery eye shadow and red lips adorn her face, and she’s wearing a little black dress. Holly lives at the brothel and she warmly invites me into her room that fits barely more than a double bed and a dressing table (and her new up-cycled shoe rack, of which she’s extremely proud).

All the rooms have large mirrors adorning one wall and on Holly’s there are song lyrics emblazoned.

Sunshine. Good times. Moonlight. Boogie.

Shine bright like a diamond.

It seems fairly common to come and go from the industry, but lure seems to bring the ladies back time and time. The girls kept saying the job was addictive. I would have guessed they meant the money, but on closer consideration, the job creates a sense of loneliness and segregation from the real world and conversely, the job also quenches that feeling because behind those walls there are no secrets.

Everyone knows that they are selling sex and there is no subterfuge.

I like the industry, says Holly, I like the atmosphere. I like the activity. Even on my nights off I like to hear the activity. It makes me feel as thought I’m not alone.

Are you lonely? I probed

I’m so lonely.

Usually the girls will stop working when they have a relationship, but Holly is currently madly in love with a man who has no idea what she does for a living.

We’re talking about our future together so to spare his feelings I need to tell a little white lie. It’s not as if I’m cheating on him, because this is work. I’m only acting. I’m effectively an actress.

He believes she’s a live-in nanny and they see each other only on the weekends. I think she realizes it’s more than a white lie, but the fear of his judgment and retribution seems too great a risk. This is a very real fear, for all of the girls, but Holly has already felt the brunt of this when she lost her entire family, including her three children after being discovered.

She no longer has any contact with her children, but she hopes one day they will find her and look beyond the odium attached to her profession and reach out to her once more.

You get to know who you can tell and who you can’t. There’s a stigma attached to the industry. On TV you see streetwalkers, drug addicted streetwalkers. People don’t realize how clean and beautiful the women are in these houses. I’ve worked with nurses and business owners.

I asked Holly if she was happy –

I’m content. It’s what it is. The Universe has given me this job for a reason.

What do you want to be when you grow up?


Holly tells me that it doesn’t take long to become desensitized and tough. That’s how you get through.

Holly began in the industry after falling into a large hole of debt. Holly’s day job as a bed sales girl wasn’t cutting it.

It seemed a natural progression, she laughed, from selling beds, to fucking in them. 

I asked the girls about the money. Obviously amounts vary from girl to girl and brothel to brothel, but an average weekly income, after the house takes it’s split, is about $2500. In theory, they would only need to work a few months at a time and take time off, or save enough to do something big with, but the girls I spoke with all seem to have money issues.

brothel 2

Young Sasha admitted that in the last three months she’s been gambling much of it away. In one sitting she’ll blow her entire night’s wage on a poker machine.

Sasha started working in massage, or Rub and Tug, as it’s known colloquially, when she was only 20. She was on an apprentice wage and wanted extra cash. She said until she started working in the sex industry she had no confidence with men, and hated getting undressed in front of them.

Sasha’s bold and brash sense of humor is worn like a coat of armor. I felt as though she deflected much of her feelings by being coarse or crass, particularly with her clients. In fact, she attributes often getting the client in the first place with her overtly bolshie and sexual approach. She’s outrageous in her approach. Often in the ‘Intro’ (where the client comes in to view the girls before making his choice), she’ll be a clown, albeit a sexual one.

She’ll parody thrusting and masturbating, take the piss out of them. She initially assumed that guys would go for the prettier or the slimmer girls, but the more often she was chosen, the greater her confidence in her sex appeal grew.

In the precursory sexual health check she will inspect a client for obvious lesions whilst making a man stand on one leg.

By the time he realizes I’m taking the piss, the ice is broken and he relaxes. I also hate getting on top. I have no rhythm. None. I’ll tell them I have a knee injury so they have to do the work. I’m the laziest hooker you’ll ever meet.

That made me laugh.

When she went for an intro during our interview she suggested I come in to the room with her if she was picked.

I don’t care. I’d do it. I reckon a guy would be up for it. You wanna?

 I admit I considered it briefly, but I had to draw the line on this story somewhere… besides, I wouldn’t know where to look.

Whilst not hard work, like building the Burma railway or breaking rocks with a pick axe, it is still quite physically grueling in it’s own way. The 12 hour overnight shifts are difficult to stay awake on, and not all clients are created equal.

Some are nice, some are not.

I asked Danielle if they were shown respect by their clients, and she replied that 90% were lovely, normal guys. Now and then someone will want to talk rough or dirty to her -

You’re a slut, they’ll often say….no, I’m not, I’m a whore, Danielle laughed, you’re paying me.

The consensus between the girls is that married guys are the worst. On a recent outcall, one of the girls walked into the lounge in a family home that was strewn with kids’ toys and the walls were plastered with family photos. His wife and kids were away and he got a hooker to come to the house.

Many guys are shown tenderness, especially the broken-hearted ones, or widows, but married men are judged harshly.

Although house rules stipulate that there is to be no drug use on the premises, there is most certainly a little underground scene, with one of my girls admitting she had actually had ice, AKA crystal meth, that afternoon.

I kind of figured that the industry and the drug scene were quite tightly enmeshed so when I spoke to management before the interviews I asked them how they handled it if they saw one of their girls going down, either physically or emotionally.

Oh, we see it. If it seems like they need counseling we help them get it, and if they need to clean up, we help them with that too. We take them to rehab, or support them while they get clean. We’re a family, and we need to look after our own.

I only met three working girls out of thousands across the world. I imagine that motives vary but the main reason is easy money. Although the stories of how my girls came to the industry are vastly different, I feel that the industry has shaped them all similarly. Cynicism and mistrust are rife .They all admit that they have not been treated well by guys in the past, and this profession does not leave them with a trust for the hairier sex.

I got in my car to go home, and I was thankful to be heading to my bed and not staying for an all nighter with the girls. I’m grateful to them for letting me in, just a little bit, to their lives, and I know that each woman I spoke with is just a woman doing her best to get by, regardless of how society may view her.

brothel 3

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Mrs H talks to Kim, the Submissive

26 Apr

Kim Debron

There are many things in this world that I find interesting, and this l’il ol’ blog here is my opportunity to share these things that tickle my brain.

If anything that interests me offends your sensibilities, I apologise, but remember that this world is full of interesting things, and it hurts not to have a greater understanding of what makes our fellow (wo)men tick.

The worldwide phenomenon that is 50 Shades of Grey is certainly not famous because it is a literary masterpiece. It has swept the world by storm because it touches on a world that most of us are unfamiliar with. A world of sexual domination and submission (not to mention awkward virgins being picked up by mysterious millionaires). A dark world of whips and chains, and nipple cripples, leading their recipients to mind blowing orgasms.

I mentioned recently that when I went to Sexpo I found someone fascinating. We chatted briefly and I discovered that Kim is a consensual slave, who lives with, and is married to, her Master. Kim does not generally refer to Master by name, as is their arrangement.
She serves his meals first, sits on the floor at his feet, and asks permission to take a pee.

Although she is married to her Master in the traditional sense, this ceremony was mostly for legal purposes, and their union as Master/slave (big M, little s) known as collaring, is one that she cherishes most of all.
I was entranced by Kim’s love for her Master. She described how this relationship changed her life, and Master took her and her then teenage son under his wing.

A middle aged couple, soft around the edges, grey haired and bald, Kim and Master Joe look like your next door neighbours. When I called Kim, she was drinking a cup of tea and knitting a teddy bear for her niece.

What? Not tied up in a dungeon with crotchless leather knicks and nipple clamps?
Preconception number one blown out of the water.

As a feisty, back-chatting wench, my first question was about whether, upon receiving an order, Kim ever wanted to tell her Master to take a hike.

Of course, sometimes I’m in the middle of something and Master wants me to make his lunch, or do something for him. I may ask if I can finish what I’m doing but if he says no, then I must do as he says. If I get frustrated, I just remember that this is a choice I made, and I tell myself suck it up‘.

Wow. I know that this is not for me but I guess in many cultures, where males are dominant, women live like this, without it being a choice. Also without the eroticism of the other side of their relationship.

I asked Kim what she thought of 50 Shades of Grey, and she said it painted a terrible picture of people who choose this lifestyle as broken, disturbed people. She insists that it simply isn’t the case.

Hmmm, could this be preconception number two busted?

Kim was married twice before meeting Master Joe, and in both relationships she concedes that she wore the pants. Although she had dabbled in writing erotic fiction, her sex life was fairly ordinary, or vanilla, a term 50 Shades made famous.
When her second marriage broke down, she was left a single mother who had to be everything for her son.

The nurturer. The provider. The story teller. The spider killer.

Kim says relinquishing this need to be in charge all the time is actually incredibly liberating.

Relinquishing control has set her free.

Kim had always fantasised about being spanked, and her husbands had never wanted to explore this with her. She decided as a 40-something-year-old single lady, that she was going to delve into this world she knew nothing about.

I asked Kim where she thought this desire came from.

‘I don’t like to think too much about it‘ Kim replied ‘I just enjoy being spanked

I delved a little further, questioning if her father spanked her as a child.

‘Of course, but that hurt, it wasn’t pleasant… but perhaps I liked the attention?

I had a lover who spanked my airborne butt once and I dissolved into the giggles. It felt like trashy porn to me. When he mistook this for enjoyment he slapped me again, to which I think I said ‘slap me again and I’ll punch you in the throat’, or something equally seductive.
It seemed like a mildly ridiculous thing to do, but also, it stung like a bitch. I didn’t enjoy that.

‘It only hurts if you want it to‘ she tells me.

I don’t think she meant mind over matter, I think she meant the slap and tickle bit, more tickle, less slap, or whip, or riding crop.

Kim told me that they work their way up from small stinging slaps to full-blown butt paddling, and the sensation is intoxicating.

‘Nothing else matters. Your entire existence is hanging in the next blow, and then the sweet sting. It’s like riding a wave

Yeah. Nah. I’ll take surfing any day of the week, thanks.

When Kim first started researching BDSM and she came upon a website that had forums and support groups, and also an avenue to meeting potential playmates, I guess you could call it RSVP for kinksters.

I was fascinated hearing about Kim’s first play date. I could only imagine how this middle aged, normal lady felt as she met a stranger on what’s essentially a blind date, with a view to trusting them enough to hurt you, just a little bit, and then have sex.

Was it a revelation? Was it mind-blowing? Was it all that?

For Kim, it was.

Not necessarily the sex part, which wasn’t like a scene from 50 Shades. She was nervous, and he was a virtual stranger, but finally being able to explore this fantasy was exhilarating and titilating. They didn’t make a lasting connection as he wanted her to call him ‘Daddy’. It was just too weird for Kim and a deal breaker for her Dominant.

Yeah, ‘Daddy’ is kinda funky.

Aside from Big Daddy, Kim had some negative experiences, that would have left me hightailing for vanilla sex.

One dude didn’t respect her safe word, and ended up burning her terribly with hot wax, before leaving her tied up in a room on her own for hours while he drank himself senseless. I guess the idea of dominating someone is incredibly powerful, but some people are never meant to wield such power.
Although I’m sure many people who explore this side of themselves are quite normal in every other way, there would definitely be many people for whom there is a darkness inside.

Everything changed when she met Master Joe, and he was able to take her to places she had never been before.

I queried whether every time they had sex it was the whole shebangalang, or whether they had the odd vanilla quickie?

There’s alway an element of dominance‘ she replied,’but it is hard to find the time these days, between our business, MJ’s Toybox (a custom made BDSM toy company), and other commitments. We often mark a play day on the calender’

Scheduling? Seems it doesn’t matter if you’re vanilla or tutti frutti, everyone needs to schedule it in these days.

I knew that Master has ‘clients’. People that come to him for a good flogging, or whatever takes their fancy. I asked if this made Kim jealous, because I assumed that every flog comes with a happy ending.

Not so.

It’s not sexual for everyone. Master has male and female clients, that pop over for a beating and then go on their merry way. No sex. For many, it’s not even a turn on.

It’s feeding a need to be dominated.

For some reason, perhaps because I read 50 Shades, I wrap all of this dom/sub business in the kinky sex category. I can’t get my head around people doing it just because.

Obviously, there are degrees, but I saw one girl with terrible scars on her breasts in the BDSM arena at Sexpo. I think a good rump slap and drawing blood are two very different things.

My gut instinct tells me that there really is something a bit dark in someone who needs this, needing someone to draw your blood is akin to self-harm in my book. Is it a lack of self-respect, or just one man’s pain is another man’s pleasure?

I suggested this to Kim, and she said that there are many things in the scene that make her uncomfortable, sometimes, she’s forced to turn away, or leave the room. There is a saying in the scene -

Your kink might not be my kink but that’s ok.

An accepting bunch really. Probably something in that for all of us.

If you’re interested in reading more about Kim, you can find her website here.

souls in chains

She has also written a book. It’s fiction, but it’s based loosely on her experiences, so I reckon it’s kinda faction. I’ve not read it, but after reading 50 Shades, it can only be better than that!

You can purchase Kim’s book, Souls in Chains, through her website, MJ’s Toybox site, or Amazon and Book Depository.

I’d like to thank Kim for her honesty and for allowing me to tell her story.


In the spirit of flogging, I’m flogging my blog with Grace and the friday floggers…..


Mrs H talks with a sex therapist….How to regain your mojo.

29 Mar intimacy



I have a theory about sex.

My theory is that the more bonking you do, the less annoying your partner is (you really ought to be bonking your partner for best effect). Sex is the thread that binds you to each other and without it, you can become unravelled.

When I spoke with sex therapist, Isiah McKimmie, from Passionate Spirit I thought I’d hit her with my theory straight off the bat to see if I was on the money.

She agreed heartily. I decided I liked her.

Isiah went on to say that when your sex life is working well, your entire relationship can change, and therefore your entire lives can change.

I may have mentioned once or twice that my mojo has been somewhat lacking since I gave up sleep, so when the opportunity arose for me to interview a sex therapist over a cup of tea, I jumped at the chance.

Is it lingerie, sex toys, 50 Shades of Grey or oysters that I need?

Nope. It’s way more simple than that.

Although the road to a banging sex life is not a short one (Isiah offers courses to couples, as opposed to one off visits), what we discussed was certainly not rocket science.

The first thing that a therapist would look at is your relationship to yourself.

How do you feel about your body?

How satisfied are you with your life?

Do you still feel like sexy you, or are you now only a wife and a mother?

One of the most obvious things is our confidence about our body after all of the changes it undergoes throughout pregnancy and childbirth. We may not feel that we can take the time to get ourselves back into the shape we were previously. It is natural that your body changes somewhat, but if your self esteem takes a battering in the process, it may be as simple as finding time to exercise.

Taking the time away from family can often cause guilt, but it’s really essential for mental health. The time you take away from your family can actually make you a better wife and mother…. and your mojo may just be a Zumba class away.

The second major area to look at is your communication with your partner.

How do you communicate about general issues? This will certainly affect the way you can communicate about sex.

Being able to communicate freely with our partners is terribly important. Some people NEVER tell their partner that a particular thing turns them on, or more importantly, turns them off, or irritates their sensitive, pink bits.


Isiah said something so poignant to this -

If you can’t communicate well in the bedroom, you probably aren’t communicating well out of it.

Aaah. Not rocket science.

Our sex lives are so personal, and people feel a great sense of embarrassment and shame about it. This embarrassment is something we may have been taught as teens when we’re curious about stuff and wanking like chimpanzees. You’ll go blind, grow hair on your palms, or nice girls simply don’t do those things.

Sex is natural.

Our bodies are ours to explore and enjoy.

There is no shame in pleasure.

The clitoris is the only part of the human body solely for pleasure. It has no greater function than to give sweet sensation. I think it was the Universe’s consolation prize for periods.

If you’re silently turning your back on your partner thinking ‘No way, buddy, I’m exhausted and my bikini line resembles Macy Gray’s afro’, perhaps your partner only hears ‘I’m not attracted to you anymore’…..and that’s just the tip of the communication iceberg.

Also, we need to try to lighten up about it. If it’s become the elephant in the room then everyone starts getting anxious and feeling rejected.

One of the hardest things when you have little people in the house is time. I mentioned to Isiah that between training, children and general exhaustion, Mister H and I have one perfect time for rumpy. That sweet moment only occurs twice in a week, and then if the planets don’t align correctly, it can be week before that magic moment rolls around again.

I suggested that scheduling sex was incredibly unsexy.

Not as unsexy as never having sex, Isiah replied.

Mmmmmm hmmmmm. I see her point.

Also, a quickie has its place, don’t get me wrong, but if you’re only having occasional quickies it’s no wonder your mojo is lacking. Biologically, it take 20 minutes for a woman’s body to warm up.

We all know that we are slower than men and require a tad more romancing and finessing in all the right places, but being ready for the main event is not as simple as getting lubed up.

It actually takes 20 minutes for your uterus to contract and get out of the way, so the penis doesn’t bash its insistent head against your sensitive lady bits. This is particularly the case shortly after giving birth as the uterus is often sitting a little lower in the chamber.

Did you know that? I didn’t, and I thought I knew it all.

If you think you don’t have enough time in the day for langorous loving touch, try turning off the television a couple of times a week. After dinner, instead of retiring to the lounge, turn off the tv, the computers and the iphones, and spend time together.

NEWS FLASH : watching tv together is not spending quality time together.

You could start by giving each other a massage. Not a ‘nudge nudge wink wink’ massage but perhaps you could start reacquainting yourselves with a no strings attached massage, without a happy ending? Hell, if you feel like throwing a leg over then climb aboard, but if sex has become the elephant under the bed, perhaps you need to take it off the table (not the dining room table. I mean, no sex) for a bit.

If you agree that you’re not going to do it for a few weeks, it can alleviate the guilt you may feel from not wanting to. It doesn’t mean you have an affection stand-off, you do other stuff.

Fun stuff. Sexy stuff. Loving stuff.

Remember when you first got together and you’d pash like teenagers on the loungeroom floor? When was the last time you had pash rash? Or dry humped till you came in your pants?

That stuff was exciting, so maybe it’s time to strip back your sex life?

Get back to the fun stuff.

Isiah and I talked a lot about wanking, on your own, together, whatever takes your fancy. It goes to reason that after you give birth perhaps your body feels different, likes different things. If you don’t explore your own body, how can you guide someone around?

Hell, we don’t strike out across town without Google mapping first, so why not chart this territory, too?

I was shocked when Isiah told me that 30% of women have difficulty (or never) orgasm. Some of her adult clients don’t know where their clitoris is. You can bet your bottom dollar that if they don’t know that, they probably don’t know about other erogenous zones, like that crazy little spot behind their knee, their armpit or the back of their neck.

You need to take the time to explore not just your lady bits, but your whole body, and it’s way more fun if you do it with your partner.

There is more sex than ever available to us, whether it’s erotica, porn, toys, or whatever that floats your boat. There is still so much guilt associated with exploring our own sexuality, why?

Why the shame?

If you’re a bit weirded out by the idea of a sex therapist, Passionate Spirit has a subscription based website with loads of information and techniques if you think maybe you need a little helping hand getting your love life back on track.

Maybe it’s as simple as simply getting back on the horse and doing it? Reawakening your sexual self.

If not, and you feel like your relationship needs a little help getting it’s mojo back, maybe you could consider sex therapy?
If your car isn’t working properly, you take it to a mechanic, right?

At the conclusion of our fascinating chat, Isiah told me she had a spare media pass to Sexpo if I wanted it……well, I thought, maybe a little research would be good.

Stay tuned for the Sexpo wrap-up. Holy dooly. I thought nothing could surprise me.

This post is not a sponsored post. I received no payment from Passionate Spirit. I just love talking about sex.

Check out Passionate Spirit’s Facebook page if you want a little mojo in your newsfeed.

Did you find this as fascinating as I did?

Can you talk about your mojo or are you a little shy?

If you know anyone that may benefit from this post, share it with them, and let’s get that elephant out in the open!

Hooking up with FYBF at With Some Grace so everyone can read about mojo rising. Check out what everyone else is flogging.

Hot Sex Tips from 1894

21 Oct

On the hunt for the missing mojo I thought I’d turn to a little literature to get help me get my game on.

50 Shades of Grey had nothing. The whole deal was so implausible and poorly written it was like the Bold and The Beautiful had taken steroids.

Barely raised a tickle in my knicks, so when I saw this little pink, pocket-sized beauty I thought it was sure thing…..


Hell, there is even a bottle of tincture called Climax on the cover. Who wouldn’t like a hip flask of that in their handbag?


But then I realised she was a tad behind the times…..

Obviously, no one ever has sex on their wedding night these days, as everybody has drunk their bodyweight in champagne and danced until 3 am……and as for the ‘first time’ bit, well, not even my Grandpa would have fallen for that, what with my six-month old sitting on my knee at the bridal table.


Sex every day? Who wouldn’t want that, right?

Sex is awesome and fun and messy in a much more fun way than the rest of your day. Why wouldn’t you want to do that all the time?

Abnormal positions? Between the ancient Karma Sutra, that requires all participants to be yogis, and the accessibility of porn these days, haven’t we all seen everything before?

What exactly is an abnormal position? At the washing line? Don’t reckon I’ve seen that one.


Whoa, Mama!!  That actually sounds kinda hot…..

Alas, a mere few more pages in and I realized I’d been duped. Dear old Ruthie baby was nothing but a trumped-up prude, God rest her soul.

I don’t need that advice, Ruth. That’s what I’m trying to shake, sugar.

I was tut-tutting her uptight ways and then I realised perhaps this was closer to the bone than I dare admit.

Ummm, check.

Didn’t mean to let it side, but I’ve been a little pre-occupied.

Oh dear. If I started nagging much earlier, what then? Hypothetically speaking, of course.

Mrs Smythers recommends you talk about mundane household matters at this point. Wouldn’t that enhance sleep?

‘Honey, the bathroom tap washers really need a …………zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz’


‘Babes, next time you mow the lawn, could you please………snooooooooooore’

Anyway you can see that the woman is clearly not going to be giving me mojo enhancements I was looking for, but the piece de resistance was on the last page…….check it out.

It’s not about the writing, it’s about the image……

Seriously, WTF is that?

Dear Mrs Reverend Smythers, thank you for allowing me to reproduce pages of your book for my blog as I really feel that this would be highly educational for my readers. It certainly makes me feel better about myself. It reinforces that I’m neither a prude nor a good Methodist.

If anyone knows what that implement is, please, enlighten me. Any guesses?

The elephant in the bedroom…..are you Whoa or Woe?

11 Sep

So, it was really just a matter of time, wasn’t it? We all know I’m not shy, and hell, I figure this blog business is a cheap form of therapy so I thought I’d best address what’s going down out here in suburbia…..or not, as the case may be.

I popped over Blundermum in an effort to purge and yet still keep it a secret, but it seems I’ve got a chronically big mouth. If you haven’t checked Michelle out before, have a look around while you’re there as she has a unique take on life.

I’m going to talk about it today. You know, the elephant in the room.

I’m just going to go right ahead and blurt it – My sex life used to be all like ‘Whoa, Cowboy, leave your boots on and make like we’re in a rodeo’, but sadly, it has become more like ‘Woe is me, this is friggin’ pathetic’.

I used to hear people make jokes about sex after marriage and I always swore that would never be me.
I love sex.
Sex is fun.
It relieves stress, it gets the blood flowing and binds you to your partner so they’re much less irritating, plus it feels damn good.

So, why have I become the epitome of these jokes?

To continue reading about my state of woe, why not pop on over to Blundermum here.


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