Tag Archives: life

10 Things You Will Hate About Me

24 Apr I had had about 500 glasses of wine in this picture taken by Catherine Rodie. Please refer to point 8.

I had had about 500 glasses of wine in this picture taken by Catherine Rodie. Please refer to point 8.

The joy of the inter webs is you can fully brand yourself any way you please and paint a fantabulous picture of an overachieving domestic goddess who never puts a foot wrong style wise, be it in home or attire, food wise, or parenting wise.

A perfect wife, an awesome friend, and frankly, your farts don’t even smell because computers haven’t advanced to Smellivision yet.

Let me tell you, I am a little bit like what you see, but mostly I’m like a revolting teenage boy.

I am so gross sometimes my habits even disgust myself.

I’m not always a good friend, and I’m often a distracted, cranky and terrible wife and mother.

I have loads of great clothes but tend to wear the same 5 things because I mostly live in suburban parks and supermarkets and I often accessorise with snot and cooties… or I’m in smelly gym gear as I’m endeavouring to work out the suburban angst in the spin room.

I do eat well for the most part, as I represent, but really I just take pictures of the good shit and figure if there’s no photographic evidence of the fish fingers and cheesy beans on toast then my culinary skills will never come into question. I actually enjoy eating down sometimes, there’s great comfort to be found in ghetto nosh.

I’m going to come clean today with 10 things (in no particular order) you previously did not know about me that will probably make you think I’m a little bit gross, tacky or an arsehole.

1. I’m bossy as all fuck

I’m ok with the word bossy, because I am bossy. I’ve always been bossy, and I’ve always been called bossy. Haven’t needed therapy for that particular chestnut thus far.

2. I bite the skin around my fingernails

I don’t even realise I’m doing most of the time, but other times it’s a very conscious thing. No finger is spared, however I pay particular attention to my right index finger which generally has no finger print, which would be awesome if I could rob a bank with a single digit.

3. I like getting my own way and am prone to sulking when I don’t.

What an arsehole, right? I can’t help it if my ideas are the better ones.

4. I offend people all the time.

Obviously I don’t mean to, but my big mouth has a tiny filter and words can fall out around the edges of it. Also, I’m big on thinking after I speak.
Maybe I’ll think before I speak when I’m a grown up. Something to look forward to.

5. I peed in public pools until only a couple of years ago.

Told you you’d hate me.

6. I have been known to park in a child friendly parking space when I don’t have the children with me.

Only did it twice, but I can’t guarantee I’d never do it again.

7. I like passing wind in the car with the kids in the back.

I owe them, man. It’s only fair.

8. After only one drink I swear like a drunken Irish sailor.

Seriously, more than every second word.

9. I’m anal about washing up the kitchen immediately after eating.

I hate waking up to a dirty kitchen.

10. I smacked both of my children yesterday evening.

They fought all day and I lost my cool.
I hate that about me too.

 

To be honest, I could probably rattle off another 10 without really having to think but I’d hate to give all of my foulness away in one post.

 

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Portrait 365 : 111-115

22 Apr Vivian

Dexter

Dexter

“The flying elephant is my favourite”

Arabinda

Arabinda

“I’m making lunch for 100 friends and family. I’m looking forward to the lunch, but I’m really looking forward to the music and the dancing.”
On an early morning run I spied a garage set up with portable stoves and many large metal pots bubbling and steaming away, whilst Arabinda sat on an upturned bucket peeling a million potatoes in his dressing gown. I couldn’t resist squatting down and chatting about his garage kitchen antics.

Kiki

Kiki

The hair, the glasses, the tutu that you can’t see. I fell in love with Kiki a little bit when I saw her. If you want to fall in love with her a little bit you can find out where to see her here. I saw her at La Petit Grande, the Spiegelesque tent. 

Amy

Amy

“I’m scared of the dark. It started when I was a kid and I thought about ghosts in the dark and it never went away.”

Vivian

Vivian

“I love chocolate. Not just at Easter, all the time. Hazelnut milk chocolate. That’s the one.”

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Never forget the true meaning of Easter….. The Easter Show.

20 Apr the show

The idea of the Royal Easter Show sends shivers down my spine. Not those exciting anticipatory shivers, but more like the shivers you get just before you pass diarrhoea.

I get that The Show is kinda fun, but it’s just such a ball ache.

It’s the mission to get there, the throngs of bogans, the gaggles upon swarms of other people’s children, the Dagwood Dogs from oily smelling vans, the penned animals in humid tents, exorbitant parking, the waiting – oh, the waiting in lines – and the million dollars you spend in order to have this horrible day out.

I reckon it would be fairly safe to call me the Easter Grinch….. that was until this year. I was pumped.

I admit that I only braved the baby sister lame-o excursion to the Easter Family Show at Fox Studios, but it had everything I described just in smaller, more palatable doses.

In fact, The Grinch had herself bags of fun…. but man, that four hours felt like a 48 hour dance-a-thon. My feet were sore, my back ached, I was covered in a mild layer of dirt, and I had tomato sauce smeared all over me making me look like I’d been to battle.

The kids had a great day though but it’s hard to tell, check out D Man’s head when he’s finally got hold of the first hotdog of his life.

A horse walks into a bar, or what????

the arrival the show

 

the rides the show

the show

kiks and clowns the showDSC_0022

the lego, the showthe lego the showthe junk food the showjosh and ducks the showthe animals the showthe birds the showthe mice, the showthe love the show

the show bag, the showthe end the show

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Portrait 365 : 106 – 110

17 Apr Thomas

I have met some amazing people in the past 5 days. From new jobs to adventures at sea. There was a few knock backs, and I totally get it if you don’t feel like being photographed by a random woman with two children dangling off her. It is a little odd.

110 days in it’s not getting easier to shoot people, and I’ve realised it’s totally dependent on my head space. It’s like cold calling or something.

I see hundreds of people every day, but I also don’t shoot just anyone. It’s a pull. I suddenly see someone and think ‘YOU’…. Unless I’ve been shit with my commitment, and then I’m like a desperado at the end of the night trying to hook snog, gazing madly around the general public trying to manufacture the ‘YOU’ moment.

None of these fit that bill though. These are primo subjects, especially my birthday boy with his cheeky smile.

Dexter

Dexter

“STOP SINGING!”
Loves to sing Happy Birthday to others, not fond of receiving it appears.

Thomas

Thomas

“I’m in Sydney for 8 hours only. I’m here from Perth to visit my girlfriend in Newcastle but she’s working all day.”

Adam

Adam

“Every tequila idea is a good idea.”
Adam is my new boss at the production company. With pearls of wisdom such as these I think we’ll get along just fine.

Nataya

Nataya

Nataya was so cool. She and her friends are here from Thailand for four months and they just wanted to take picture of my kids….. so I turned the camera on them. I couldn’t find out anything else because we had a mega language barrier. Obviously, style knows no barriers.

Ingrid and Phil

Ingrid and Phil

“The amazing thing is sitting and eating a meal uninterrupted.”
I loved these guys. They saw me get on the ferry with the double pram and two kids and they practically high fived each other because they’re on a kid free weekend in the city. With a 7 year old autistic son and a two year old daughter, I reckon a 3 day cheeky weekend together is a special type of bliss.

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Portrait 365 : 98 – 105

13 Apr Kayte and Beth

I’ve had a bumper week. Like, madly, stupidly bumper.

I’ve picked up some tv producing work and been working on writing commissions and giving talks about food at schools and to groups of women and, and, and, and, my feet have barely touched the ground.

I feel like I’m in a whirlwind, but it’s a sweet, warm whirlwind to I’m just going with it.

Last night (amidst much drunken revelry and fabbo frocks) I was announced as being in the Kidspot Top 30 Personal and Parenting bloggers and I really want to say a big thanks to everyone who voted for me. To see my name next to some bloggers I really admire is such an honour and a thrill and to be in the same room as many of my “colleagues” was a joy. I made some new friends fo’shizz, tequila will do that.

Without further ado, let’s see who I’ve shot this week…..

Spiderman Sean

Spiderman Sean

“I’m on my way to a kid’s party.”
“I figured.”
“This is not my regular Sunday outfit.”
“Lucky.”

Orsha

Orsha

D Man claims Orsha is his new best best friend. They met once, for ten minutes, and have never seen each other again. The finer details don’t matter don’t matter to him, I guess it’s a feeling.

Myesha

Myesha

Technically shot on the same day as her sister but those eyes….. those eyes.

Dexter

Dexter

“Is it my birthday again tomorrow?”
Valid question, buddy. Sadly, no.

Felicity

Felicity

“My heart is with the community. I want to give people a sense of belonging to something.”
Felicity and I are beginning to work together on a project called Overhaul Wellness. Wellness days to help you balance your body, mind and spirit. Stay tuned.

Pastor Bronwyn

Pastor Bronwyn

“I come from a family of traveling performers. When they put me into boarding school the nuns got cross because my grandmother had sent me with silky pajamas.”
I went to church this week for the first time in about 20 years. I wasn’t there for a service though, I went to talk food to group of lovely women.

Kayte and Beth

Kayte and Beth

Kayte : “Say what you want. It’s your blog.”
Beth : “I finally cracked it when I wrote a post about a fitted sheet.”
These chicks are kind of The Shit. This image was taken as pretty much the first thing I said to these ladies who you may know better as Woogsworld and BabyMac. Fast forward a few hours and Beth touched my boobs and we were the last ones to be thrown out of the pub. Firm friends now I would say.

 

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It’s ok to be sad and eat Healthy Chocolate Crackles

7 Apr healthy chocolate crackles

healthy chocolate cracklesSome people find running therapeutic. I don’t. It helps with stress, sure. It gets me into my body, and gives me time to ponder, helps me quiet the cacophony but it’s not particularly therapeutic for me.

I find my therapy in the kitchen.

I like the ordered routine of finding ingredients in the cupboard, measuring with hands or by eye, throwing into bowls or mixing or chopping.

It has a perfect order in which to do things and I find comfort in that. It’s like a I’m a machine simply working and creating something and it doesn’t matter what else is happening because I’m in the task.

We all feel sad sometimes, but the thing about the ‘negative’ emotions is we all try really hard to hide them. We paste that smile on our dials and get on with things with a stuff upper lip.

Tears in the car, tears in the shower, tears in the dark. Hidden sadness, because that’s what we do. Stash it away so we don’t feel uncomfortable that people know we’re sad, and they don’t feel uncomfortable watching awkward, burning tears trailing down your face and that one rogue tear that sneaks down your nasal crease, plummeting near your nostril and leaves question as to whether it’s snot, or it’s not (sounds the same, right?).

It’s almost as though allowing people to see you in the dark stuff is a weakness, and we must rise above to show how stoic and resilient we are no matter how badly shit may be crumbling around your ears.

I’m feeling the blues at the moment, bigger and bluer than an elephant’s arse in fact, and I’m right in the heart of it and to be honest even if I just tried to shake it off it’s sticking to me like shit in bear fur….. do you know that joke?

A bear is in the woods and a little rabbit hops past and the the bear says -

‘Do you have trouble with poo sticking to your fur?’

And the rabbit answers ‘not at all’ so the bear picks up the little rabbit and wipes his butt with it.

I never thought it was funny. Especially not for the poo stained rabbit.

healthy chocolate cracklesThe whys and the wherefores of my blues aren’t relevant right now, what is relevant is that you hear me (and I hear me say) say it’s ok to be sad. It’s ok to let your friends see you cry.

You don’t need to be strong all the damned time.

I was on couch yesterday being blue, doing blue – you know, big sighs, staring into space, having a wallow – for half an hour before I was well and truly over myself and I made myself go into the alchemy space and get busy in the kitchen.

I made a big pot of chilli for during the week but that wasn’t the thing I wanted to eat away my feelings with when I remembered my friend from Dynamic Fitness & Health talks about these cluster things she makes….. I never ate one of hers but I saw a picture and made this up by feel.

Mine is a fruit and nut chocolate crackle packed with good stuff.

What you will need :

  • a handful of puffed corn (health food aisle)
  • a handful of puffed brown rice
  • a handful of puffed quinoa
  • a handful of shredded coconut
  • a handful of chopped almonds
  • 2 tablespoons sesame seeds
  • 2 tablespoons sunflower seeds
  • a handful of sultanas
  • 5 pieces dark dark chocolate
  • 1 heaped tablespoon coconut oil
  • 1 tablespoon  golden syrup

 

What you will need to do :

Turn your oven onto 180C. Chuck your dry stuff minus the sultanas and chocolate onto a baking tray and toast it all up for about 5-7 minutes

Meanwhile, over a double boiler melt your chocolate, syrup and coconut oil together until combined.

Toss your toasted dry ingredients, and sultanas into the chocolate mix and stir until all coated.

Spoon into patty cases (I used small for small people and big for me) and refrigerate until solid and chocolate crackle like.

 

chocolate crackles

 

 

Cook Once, Feed All COVER_lr

Cook Once, Feed All is about making your life easier whilst preparing nutritious and quick food for your family. Hailed by Mouths of Mums as the ‘must have recipe book for all families’, this book is a collection of family friendly recipes, all accompanied by stories from my life.

To order your hardcopy of Cook Once, Feed All head to the Holsby Shop right now.

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Portrait 365 : 93-97

5 Apr Gabrielle
Haley

Haley

I kinda keep to myself at the gym. I say hi to a few people but mostly I just do my thing. I’ve seen Haley around a bit, we often do the same classes and I find her really captivating because she’s really strong and focused.

 

Gabrielle

Gabrielle

“I just keep on going, because that’s what you do, right?”
Gab is one of my oldest friends and we’ve stood beside each other through about as much as you can, but I don’t doubt there’s more. We’d been having a long chat about grief and life. She’s a very strong woman.

 

Anika

Anika

Urban camouflage. I posted this on my Facebook, but it is freakin’ hilarious.

 

PORTRAIT 365 : 96  IT’S A WASH

I approached three people to photograph this day. A gorgeous old lady in a floral dress and wonderful hat, a young Muslim lady on a bus stop in beautiful morning light, and an old dude who just looked like a crinkly old dude.

All three declined so I reckon three strikes and you’re out.

 

Jesse

Jesse

“I train every morning except Wednesdays”
“What’s the plan?”
“I go to Nationals next week.”
“How did you go at last Nationals?”
“I came third.”
Good luck, Jesse. You’ve worked hard, man.

 

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Portrait 365 : 89-92

31 Mar Catherine
Catherine

Catherine

“Just keep pitching!”
Catherine has been instrumental in my learning curve at getting my freelance writing started. She is a features writer and a blogger whom I admire greatly. Her generosity is boundless and she’s just the right amount of naughty.
You can see her blog, Cup of Tea and a Blog here.

 

Maarten

Maarten

“Are you going to have a turn?”
“No”
“Are you too cool?”
“There’s no such thing as too cool for the Slip and Slide.”

‘Nuff said.

Rodney

Rodney

I asked him if he wanted to hit me with a line and he said -

“Stuck around till the end”
“End? Am I dying?”
“We’ve been meaning to all get together and tell you”

With friends like these…..I think he’s referring to the fact that we’ve been like family since I was and he was 19. I call him my brother.

Paul George, Tijuana Cartel

Paul George, Tijuana Cartel

I saw this gig and had me some fun…. also, I love someone with two first names.

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Portrait 365 : 84-88

27 Mar Jesse
Jesse

Jesse

This l’il guy is so adorbs. It’s all about those deep browns….. heartbreaker in the making me thinks.

Coach John

Coach John

‘I just love playing with kids
I have boundless admiration for Coach John. He is possibly the most patient man I’ve ever met. Coach John is the big cheese at our Little Kickers and we’ve built a lovely rapport over the past year and a half.

Sylvia

Sylvia

‘My husband and I are designing and creating leather handles. Sometimes people struggle to visualise how amazing they will be but I’m just going to make them and trust my instincts.’
I saw this beautifully dressed lady from behind in a car park and I walked up to tell her she look amazing. She spun around and we instantly recognised each other from a party a few months ago where we had clicked. Anyway, we’re catching up for coffee. Pronto.

Anika

Anika

No matter how many times I ask her not to blow bubbles in the milk……… I remember just how fun it was. Love the splashes on her face.

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Nude yoga? Put that away.

26 Mar source

Picture this, a room full of people, both men and women, gentle music playing in the background with waterfalls and soft pan pipes echoing through the Andes or something equally quasi-relaxing.

Blue and purple yoga mats adorn the floor like a patchwork quilt and the room full of bodies are all breathing into their sore spots as they contort themselves in a downward dog.

Just another yoga class, right?

Now imagine they’re all naked.

Bare butts in the air, secret starfish winking with exertion, dangly bits doing what they do best and breasts, well, it depends I suppose.

Naked friggin’ yoga.

source

source

I read this article about it and it was not tongue in cheek, or joking in the slightest.

I cannot stop giggling. Really?

SERIOUSLY??????

People do that??

I’m down with a nude beach, hell, even nude volleyball if you want, but YOGA???

Even the grab quote makes me giggle like a 5 year old -

“When we’re naked, it’s like we’re all the same”

No, we’re not. We’re all beautifully different, and watching people do yoga at the best of times can be awkward. Penises doing a mini-Salute To The Sun is downright hilarious.

I dare say watching a magnificently formed creature do yoga would be quite something to behold (genitalia notwithstanding), but for the rest of the populace…. come on.

I realise that you’re probably supposed to be focused on your own breathing and stretching, but I confess I would not be able to concentrate in a room full of people putting the arse in Asana.

I’m no prude. Really, I’m not.

Skinny dipping, no problem. In fact I’m a fan.

Haven’t actually partaken in huge amounts of sober nude swimming, but after a tasty beverage or 100 I don’t take much convincing to waltz down the beach with my buns shining under the moonlight or dive into the neighbouring hotel’s pool as naked as a fish in the middle of the night.

(Safety warning – naked swimming whilst under the influence is not recommended by Bondi Rescue, particularly during daylight hours).

Changing in front of people? Well, depends on the circumstance.

If I know you, I’m pretty chilled. Almost every one of my friends will attest to that. Probably a little less overt now than I used to be though… but only just.

In a public change room I do the shuffle whereby I tend to poke my least embarrassing nude bits out at the public and turn the rest of me to the wall.  The result of moist, sticky skin and fuggy change rooms actually probably renders me looking somewhat epileptic.

Maybe naked yoga is just the thing I need to really bring me out of my shell?

It’s most definitely not a sexual thing. The Bold & Naked Yoga Studio openly stipulates on their website that -

‘IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR AN ORGASM, YOU ARE IN THE WRONG PLACE’.

That wouldn’t even cross my mind, to be honest.

During yoga I’m usually concentrating too hard on not falling over or farting to even consider arousal. What does cross my mind, however, is how could I ever scrub from my retina the vision of 20 starkers yoga fans doing the Frog Pose?

125-frog-pose-mandukasana

source

Arghhhhh, my eyes! MY EYES!!!!

Yoga has never really been my thing anyway. I’m more of a boxing/spin/smash my cardio type of trainer so maybe I’ll keep my eye out for Nude Spin.

That said, if Mister Dimples held a naked spin class I may require defibrillation before the class even started.

I’d dread to imagine what that would look like.

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