Tag Archives: life

Portrait 365 : 230 – 237

27 Aug

 

 

Georgie

Georgie

“The word on the street is that three of my favourite things start with ‘C’ – champagne, cheese, and chilli crab.”

Anika

Anika

Because, fabulous, darling.

Geoff

Geoff

“I’m proud of my daughters because they’re accomplished.”

“Are you proud because they’re accomplished?”

“No, because of who they are as people.”

“Are you friends? Do they tell you their secrets? Is that why your bald?”

“Nah, that’s hereditary.”

Candice

Candice

“I used to wear heels to the corner shop. Now I’m more of a Cons girl, but these new shoes are comfy as fuck.”

Rodney

Rodney

“I felt like there was something wrong. 12 months prior I felt like I could hear two people talking about me and they were discussing how I was sick. I finally went to the doctor for a check up and they sent me straight to Emergency where they hooked me up to machines for 20 hours before diagnosing Type 1 Diabetes. Apparently I was nearly dead. The moral to the story – listen to the voice in your head.

Sam

Sam

Gabrielle

Gabrielle

“I was beside myself about turning 39, but when I woke up today on my birthday I realised I have lived a life less ordinary. I have won and lost, and taken big risks, and although my life may not look like I imagined it – that’s why I was framing out – I realised it’s better and the best is yet to come.”

Kerri

Kerri

“The poor Chinese waiter retreated in giggles when he heard ‘What colour is YOUR anus?”

One of the funniest yum cha conversations EVER between three very open, and awesome if I may say so, women.

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Portrait 365 : 222 – 229

19 Aug
Chandra

Chandra

“I lost my father when I was 12 and my mother raised my sister and I in Nepal. It was a struggle, and I came here to study. I had no money so I had to work to pay my way. There are no bad jobs.I did everything, housekeeping, supermarkets, Bunnings. Now I’m a baker and I still struggle to get my residency but soon it will come and then things will be easier.”

Casey

Casey

Stuart

Stuart

“South Australian 12 year old 200 metre butterfly champ.”

Unknown

Unknown

He was deaf and he didn’t speak English but armed with smiles and charades we got there anyway.

Annabelle

Annabelle

Graham

Graham

“I’m heading home to my house in the Riverina after a month holidaying in Cairns. I was up there with family and we went out on the dirt roads to Weipa and had a bit of an adventure. It’s really cold here though.”

Emily

Emily

“I competed in tennis until I was 15. I used to play with Laura Robson but then I moved to a school that wasn’t sporty at all so I didn’t compete any longer; which was a down point. Then I became a tennis coach which I love to this day. I should have carried on with tennis however I discovered drugs and boys.”

Ben

Ben

“I’m proud that I finally got my electrical license. I started my apprenticeship, and then I stopped doing it. I got lazy, but I knew that I needed to go back and finish it and sort my life out.”

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How I became a podium dancing alcoholic.

17 Aug
So sweet and innocent. Me at 2. Before clubbing.

So sweet and innocent. Me at 3. Before podium dancing in clubs.

My Dad is in Australia at the moment to do some traveling.

Some months ago he bought a Winnebago that he fondly named Wind Bag and periodically he skips across the ditch and takes off on a road adventure. He’s cool like that.

He stopped a couple of nights at mine on his way to pick up the Wind Bag and told me of his plan to drive from Melbourne through South Australia and up to Alice Springs before heading to Ayers Rock and the Olgas by the end of September. My green eyed monster’s eyes shone like emeralds…. that was one cool mo’fo’ road trip.

I sure would like to do that some time.

… But I have two kids and important routines that must be adhered to or my neurotic sky will fall down. I’m positively tied to all of my responsibilities so I could never to do something so crazy, could I?

The more spiced rum and lime juice we had to drink the more plausible it seemed.

There’s enough sleeping room for everyone. The kids can play outside if the space gets too cramped and there’s a tv for evenings. But the sleeping routine? I don’t know about you but I’m a stickler for it.

Dinner is 5.30

Bath is 6pm.

TV for half an hour at 6.30

Teeth and bed is 7pm

Reading a few books until 7.30 unless I speed read to get the hell out of there because I’ve had enough of them for the day.

I’m flexi within 10 or so minutes of this routine but then I start to get twitchy.

What would happen to this routine if we went on the road, all four of us sharing a living space smaller than my lounge?

 

Nah, too hard. My control freak couldn’t be bothered.

I asked Mister H if he could take a week off work so I could go on a road trip with my Dad. As amicable as Mister H and I may be I’m well aware that there will not be a lot of weeks in the year during which I can take off sans bambinos, so when Mister H told me to let him know how serious I was and he’d make arrangements I got to thinking if this was my only time off all year is a road trip with my Dad the prime way to spend it?

No offence Dad.

What if I want to go to Bali or Thailand with a friend? Or a lover, heaven forbid (I’ll get laid eventually, right??).

Kids will suck hard on that trip….

What if I want to go on a volunteer trip to a third world country, or trekking up some really ridiculously big hills?

Kids will suck hard on those trips too.

Screw it, I decided. I would go on this cool mo’fo road trip adventure will my Dad, and I will take the kids.

I can relax my regime, the sky will not fall. In fact, it will be good for us all (except maybe Dad whose serenity will be completely screwed, but he’s a good sport.)

I remember a photograph of myself as a child sitting at a table in a restaurant at night on a trip we had to the Canary Islands. I would have been about 3.

I think I was eating a bowl of eating ice-cream and strewn around the table were wine glasses and my Mum was in the picture too but barely. She was at the head of the table which was fading off into black.

During a phone conversation with Mama about the potential trip I mentioned the photo. I mentioned how she used to take us away on jaunty adventures where all of the routines were broken and it was fine, wasn’t it?

Wasn’t it?

And she said, “Darling, after dinner we’d take you into the nightclub and you’d dance with us on the dance floor.”

She back-pedalled saying they didn’t stay out until 2am, and nightclubs there weren’t filled with Class A drugs in those days, but the go-go dancer was out of the cage.

That. Explains. Everything.

How it all began. Note my wine glass and food all over my face.  *not the actual photo I'm referring to in post

How it all began. Note my wine glass and food all over my face.
*not the actual photo I’m referring to in post

 

A letter to the twerp who flashed me.

8 Aug

Funniest_Memes_honey-i-m-too-tired-to-slap-you_6218-2Hey dude,

I’m the late-30’s mother of two you flashed last night whilst I was stopped at the lights. Just wanted a quick word with you that I never got to have because I thought getting out of my car to rant at you may not have been the best plan of action.

I’d been admiring you and your 15 strong crew of pals because you looked awesome. I would have high-fived the kid whose party you’d been at because 1980’s gym wear is a cracking theme for a party, and you lot were quite the spectacle in your lycra and terry towelling as you weaved across the street in front of traffic not giving a shit because you’re 22 and in-fucking-vincible.

I was just driving home from a brief catch up with a friend to relieve the sitter so I was annoyed that your buddy in his lycra, midriff, tank top stood in front of my car at the lights, air-humping, with his little packed lunch cowering from the 12 degree winter’s night.

And my annoyance was amplified significantly when the light turned green and he continued to make whoopee with the bonnet of my car.

Being as mowing that skinny, little jerk down would have got in me in a smidgeon of trouble (luckily I didn’t get a foot cramp, mofo), my best recourse was my car horn…. perhaps my horn made you think of your flute because you whipped that kit outta your pants and waggled it all up in my face quick smart.

Maybe your friends laughed, shit, maybe if I was 22 with a skin full of booze and an 80’s g-string leotard up my butt-crack I’d think it was funny, but I ain’t….. I’m too friggin’ old, and too friggin’ tired to want to play balls. Specifically, yours.

You may think you’re cool but you, young man, are a prize dick. Your mother would be ashamed, and I feel old for saying it but that what I think.

I know it wasn’t personal, and I’m not really even offended, however I do want you to know that you should keep that ridiculous looking shit in your pants until summer if you really want to intimidate someone.

So, yeah, thanks for the flash. Penises are silly looking at the best of times but when they’re wrapped in fluro Spandex, attached to showy prats, you looked a total tit.

Give yourself an upper cut from me.

Yours sincerely,

Annoyed.

photo copyright Living Pages

photo copyright Living Pages

Portrait 365 : 215 – 221

6 Aug

Jack

Jack

I didn’t want to interrupt Jack mid-song. I just quickly asked his name and guerilla’d him.

Stolen moment

Stolen moment

Tanja

Tanja

“I went sky diving in Surfer’s Paradise recently. I was really scared to do it, and I knew I would be really scared while doing it, but I also really wanted to do it. It was amazing.”

Phil

Phil

“I started doing ballroom dancing 20 years ago and then I stopped for 13 years. I just started again because I found a local club that has ballroom nights on for free. It’s so much fun.”

I walked into Phil’s shop and he was cranking some serious ballroom tunes loudly. At first I thought it was karaoke but his story impressed me way more.

Bernard

Bernard

“I gave up smoking last Christmas after 50 odd years. I don’t even want one when I drink because I went so far as to change my brand of beer. I used to be a VB man, but now I’m Pure Blonde.”

Ian

Ian

“I’m proud of my three kids. I’m from the baby boomer generation; I’m in my mid-60’s, I had a good life, and I retired at 55. My life has been great and I sure don’t have anything to complain about.”

Anika

Anika

Green tea towel cape : check

Cauliflower in my trike trunk : check

Let’s roll.

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The Art and Madness of Falling in Platonic Love

3 Aug

Do you know Carolyn from Champagne Cartel?

You bloody well should. We started with a mild Facebook/blog comment here and then, which propelled swiftly into pen pals. When we finally swapped phone numbers it felt as though we’d known each other forever and now I consider her my friend.

My crazy, nutty, funny, clever and generous friend.

In fact, it a bit freaky because sometimes I wonder how it’s possible that I can have so many similarities with one person…. could we be twins?

Anyway, I asked if she’d do me a guest post, and I got something even better.

Check her out….

friendship

I have taken to falling madly in love with new friends lately. Oh, I love the old ones too, of course, they’re like those smelly old ugg boots that live in your cupboard and get dragged out in winter to schlep about the place with us – mmmmm, comfy.

But old friends have heard all my jokes. They know my stories. They are wise to my hackneyed old shtick.

But that ‘new friend’ smell just can’t be beat. New friends are full of potential. They haven’t smelt your farts yet, and they don’t know about that disgusting thing you did on Year 10 camp that you only let slip three times after way too many G&Ts.

And these days I fall totally, helplessly in love. But not in the rudey-dudey way. Just beautiful, soft, keep-your-tongue-to-yourself ladylove. And I reckon that’s even way more fun than falling in the sexy love.

Here’s how I see it:

A) Falling in platonic love with new friends: excited banter, drinking wine, compliments (I love your hair; no, I love your hair!), funny text messages, laughing, cocktails, dancing in bars, selfies, slightly self-conscious hugs, more laughter.

B) Falling in potentially sexy love: excited banter, drinking wine, flirty text messages, laughing, waxing your legs, waxing your lady garden, plucking your eyebrows, curling your lashes (like he would notice, seriously), worrying about your breath, buying condoms, sexing (including doing that thing you don’t really like all that much but do with him anyway because, you know, he’s so nice), washing sheets, worrying about whether he’s getting back with his ex or whether he’ll call or whether his mother will think you’re a whore.

I think I’ll take option A please, Larry.

And there is something delightfully refreshing about making women friends when you’re – ahem – of a certain age – don’t you think? There’s none of that bullshit competition that everyone pretends isn’t there when you’re 23. Is she prettier than me? Was he looking at her? Was she talking about me in the toilets? I’ll never have an arse like hers…

us at Kidspot... ten drinks into our bromance.

Us at Kidspot… 10 drinks into our bromance.

My latest ladylove experience has been to totally fall madly in love with my host here, the delightful Danielle Colley. I met her in Sydney at a Kidspot blogger bash, and although I already liked her cyberself a whole lot, we experienced a magical romance that night – fuelled largely by tequila and a very hot pantsuit.

But I think she’s amazing. As, clearly, do you because you’re here reading her blog even though she has let some shmo on here you’ve never heard of. And I think I’ll be her friend for a very long time – even though she does have a better arse than me.

If you made it to the bottom of this post, that means WE should be best friends too! Please come visit me at Champagne Cartel so we can hang out and I can talk about your arse.

the kind of delights you will discover with the Cartellians.

 

 

Navigating the grey zone, and pear and date muffins because cake.

29 Jul
Note : pears are missing because I already whizzed them in the food processor.

Note : pears are missing because I already whizzed them in the food processor.

My step mother came over for lunch on Sunday. Technically, she’s my Dad’s ex-wife but she’ll always be my step mum.

When D Man asked me who she was it was kind of hard for me to explain so we entered into the unchartered territory of ‘STEP…’.

The easiest way for me to explain was by relating it to us, and our family and it felt very alien and surreal.

“If Daddy was to marry someone else she would be your step-mum.”

It sounded matter of a fact enough coming out of my mouth, but it tasted like a dusty tumble weed rolling over my tongue, and yet a little monkey somewhere banged a drum that made me squint with one eye as my sphincter clenched.

But that’s what a step-mother is.

We’re all doing really well though, thanks for asking.

Finding a rhythm and slipping into a groove. The kids are fine mostly, nary a blip. Weekend visits are surprisingly easy, except for that one time…. the day I forgot Ratty.

The very first blog I ever wrote was about that Rat and his place in the family has probably heightened rather than lessened over the years.

Ratty has traveled more extensively than some adults I know and Boy and Rat have never spent a night apart….But in my rush to get out the door for a Daddy sleep over night Rat was left behind.

I could blame the 4 year old because technically I gave Ratty to him to carry to the car, but you really can’t trust a four year old to take responsibility for something so important.

D Man eating pear and date muffinBy the time we realised the smelly old Rat was left behind, I was on my way to dinner with friends. You see dropping your kids off is great in many ways, but a little bit quiet and lonely in others so I’m also finding my new groove.

That’s not at all bad.

I’m on my way to dinner when I get the call that Ratty was not in the bag and not in the car, and, and, and…..

No Rat.

It kind of broke the top off something I’d screwed down pretty tight. Tears blurred my vision as I drove through the dark, and I brushed them away as fast as they came worried about my mascara and arriving at dinner looking like a Zombie but then suddenly I couldn’t keep up with them, so I just let them roll. Bloody smelly old, bunk eyed rat.

But they weren’t really tears for the Rat.

But I guess we all know that.

pear and date muffinsAnyway, I’m keeping busy, like usual, so when we had a play date recently I thought I’d whip up a batch of something to offer the guests. We’ve also been rocking them for breakfast.

I had some squishy pears in the bowl and I thought I’d make some low sugar muffins sweetened with those bad boys.

This is so easy because you chuck it all into the food processor and you’re on your way. Sort of.

 Pear and Date Muffins

What you will need :

  • 2 over ripe pears, smooshed with a fork
  • 1 cup self raising flour
  • 1 cup wholemeal spelt flour
  • 2 teaspoons baking powder
  • 1/3 cup raw sugar
  • 1/2 cup milk
  • 2 eggs, lightly whisked
  • 50g butter, melted and cooled
  • 125 g dates, chopped
  • 50g walnuts, chopped (optional)
  • 50g choc chips, or chopped dark chocolate (optional)

pear and date muffins

What you will need to do : 

Pre-heat over to 180C. LiPlace your muffin cases in your tray.

Core your pears and whack them into the food processor and whizz them up. Throw your flours, sugar and baking powder in and then add your milk, eggs and butter.

Take the bowl off the processor and stir in your dates, choc chips and walnuts, and spoon your mixture into the muffin cases.

Pop into the over for 15-20 minutes until a skewer comes out clean.

 

Cook Once, Feed All COVER_lr

Cook Once, Feed All is about making your life easier whilst preparing nutritious and quick food for your family. Hailed by Mouths of Mums as the ‘must have recipe book for all families’, this book is a collection of family friendly recipes, all accompanied by stories from my life.

To order your hardcopy of Cook Once, Feed All head to the Holsby Shop right now.

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Portrait 365 : 194 – 201

19 Jul

Don

Don

“I play Santa every year and one year a kid told me that they should sack every other Santa because I’m the only one with a real beard.”

Alex

Alex

 

“I packed my bags and traveled around the world for a year and a half. I came home with a broken foot after a paragliding accident in Columbia. I broke up with my guy and began jumping off cliffs to feel empowered; then there was an earthquake. It was time to come home.”

Kimberley

Kimberley

“I’m a child psychologist and I’m nearly finished my 7 year PhD in the transition from Year 6 to Year 7. It’s all about belonging.”

That never changes, I think.

L'il Bee

L’il Bee

Alex

Alex

“I met my wife in London and she fell pregnant within one month. Two weeks prior I had told a friend that i would never marry or have kids. We moved to Australia and got married. Two years later we had another child and I’m in love with all of them.”

 

Monique

Monique

“I’m so proud of my little 14 month old boy. I’m so proud that I created him. It’s the best.”

Amani

Amani

“You know, if you renew your library books online you won’t get a fine?”

Yep. Fined again.

Filippo

Filippo

“I used to be an engineer in the construction industry but it didn’t make me happy, so I became a photographer. I specialise in time lapse photography and I tell stories through pictures.”

You can check out Filippo’s amazing, mind-blowing, inspiring work here. He’s traveled to places I’ve only dreamed of and told stories that touched my viscera through images. Seriously, click his link. It’s like wow on steroids.

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Happiest girl in the world.

15 Jul

the holsbysI just got off the phone to renowned Australian anthropologist Dr Stephen Juan (hello shameless name drop).

We’ve spoken a few times of late and we usually speak business for 5 minutes and then spend 40 minutes talking about all things life, love and anthropology (today we also touched on chocolate; you know the big topics).

There are few people that you instantly connect with, but I can safely say I think he’s a truly interesting and remarkable human. I look forward to making up an excuse to contact him again as he’s one of those people that you feel happier for having spoken with them.

That’s a gift.

He was telling me why he feels he’s the happiest guy in the world and in the folds of his tale were numerous wonderful things that had happened to him over the course of his life, and Stephen attributed them to luck. Of course, as an observer, I can see that his hard work, and kind deeds and sunshiny energy has drawn wonderful things his way and it got me to thinking about me…. you know, cos it always comes back to me.

I have had so many fantastic experiences in my life. I have traveled far and wide, and had adventures that many will only ever dream of. It wasn’t a big deal, I just explored with a thirst for adventure and immersed myself in situations. Some were ridiculous, sure, but most were wondrous.

One of the things that Stephen said made him truly happy was thinking about how many people loved him.

Isn’t that cool?

kiki and mamaJust this morning on our way to school D Man was asking me who loved him.

“I do.”

“Who else loves me?”

“Daddy.”

“And who else loves me?”

“Kiki.”

“And who else loves me?”

“Nana”

“And who else loves me?”……

This went on until I really couldn’t think of another person who loved him.

Even family members overseas that haven’t seen him since he was a babe.

Even Mr Fluffy Pants who is actually probably ambivalent before D Man gives him breakfast and downright disinterested after.

Anyway, two times in one day is not a coincidence in my book, but a poke in my eye for me to sit quietly for a minute and think about all of the people who love me. I decided I would go beyond the obvious, like people whose butts I wipe, or I cook food for, but into the greater spectrum of people who send good juju my way because they care.

There was actually quite a long mental list, new friends who I’ve met online through this crazy business called blog who actively send me love, old friends who I may not have seen for a while but when we get together the love feels just the same as it always did, and then there are those special people who when they hug me and they beam their love directly into my heart from theirs like a bolt of rose coloured lightning.

Family near and family far, and family not related by blood but because we chose each other, and chose to adopt each other permanently into our lives.

So much lovely love.

If I was to measure my happiness in units of love radiated at me, then I really am very lucky.

I have to say that’s a happy thought.

Someone who loves me dearly, with whom I have had many adventures, and misadventures, with took these beautiful images of us recently. She put a little blog up on her site if you’d like to see the whole series. Check us out here.

Anyway, take a minute to think about who loves you because that shit really warms the cockles of your heart.

Be happy, lovers.

Life is short.

danielle colley

 

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Portrait 365 : 184 – 193

9 Jul

Bumper crop this week….. met some cool cats, heard some cool stories and had a birthday and a mama visit all in the middle.

David

David

“I used to be a professional boxer but I had to stop a year and a half ago because I’m just getting too old. And I’m busy running  my kids around and working so I’m just flat out.”

Emmanuel

Emmanuel

“Mechanics aren’t mechanics because they want to fix cars. Mechanics are mechanics because they want to build big engines and race cars at the track.”

D Man and Nana

D Man and Nana

“When I was 13 my Nana gave me a piece of advice. Love all, trust few, always paddle your own canoe.”

Mick

Mick

“I was in the army for 21 years but I got out because I was getting old. I have a bad back, bad knees, flat feet and I went deaf, otherwise I enjoyed it. I miss the big bops toys and the commeraderie.”

 

Emma

Emma

“When I was 8 years old my Dad died but I feel like he’s always beside me in the bad times, helping me to keep going. He taught me to be humble and to treat people with kindness.”
I’ve met Emma twice now and fallen in love hard with her cool range of jewellery designs, in fact, I wore her wish bone necklace for months on end. You may remember it from some of my pics. You can find her at Recreational Studio on FB and here.

Nana and munchkins

Nana and munchkins

 

Tonia

Tonia

“I went to Costa Rica as a volunteer tagging and tracking turtles. I went on this white water raft tour and I just loved the guide. I bought his kids some tee shirts from here to send over but I never sent them. I feel terrible about it, but at least I never told him so he’s not expecting it”

Danielle

Danielle

I didn’t shoot anyone on my birthday but Kirsten Cox came and shot my family. Super lucky to have someone so talented on my team!  I consider her my family.

 

Paul

Paul

“I’ve just been in the jungle in East Java, I was just hanging and surfing this incredible wave. It was a secluded home stay with a Muslim family during ramadan. They didn’t expect me to follow it too!”

Unknown

Unknown

We didn’t speak the same language, but we smiled at each other a lot. That was enough.

 

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