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Humor, Parenting, Ramblings of a Suburban Urbanite, Uncategorized

Pelvic Flawed

August 16, 2013
Typical kegels face

Typical kegels face

If you see me in a bank queue, supermarket line or horse riding (????) and my eyebrows are raised, one eye is squinting like a pirate, my lips are pursed and my face appears to be spasming, that’s because I’m probably doing Kegels, or pelvic floor exercises.

After two natural labours, I thought I was doing ok in this department. I can laugh, or sneeze confidently (Most of the time. If I brace.) I can even run or jump rope without cause for concern. That said, when I recently attended a super-dooper, high-intensity cardio class at the gym, I was in all sorts of trouble and the further into the class we went the worse it got.

The main culprit was star jumps. High speed, flailing arms, puffed out, trying to clench my nethers for all my might and still…. the shame.

I. Peed. My. Pants.

We’re not talking about Niagara, more like a tap washer that needs changing, but anything more than nothing is too much wee in public, no?

Naturally, I told Mister H immediately, as all husband’s are dying to know secret lady wee-wee business, and he was very understanding of my plight. Not so much as a smirk. He sent me an article he’d seen recently, regarding Cross Fit and peeing your pants which said boldly –

Peeing during exercise is not normal.

I am no doctor, nor am I a physiotherapist that specialises in ladies pelvic floor parts, but I beg to differ.

I did some highly scientific research (talked to my friends) and it would seem that it may not be preferred, nor supposed to happen, but it’s pretty damned common. Everyone I asked had had some form of urinary mishap (read : wet knicks) at some time in their life. In fact, the design flaw of the pelvic floor is so tragic that it appears that regardless of whether you have a natural labour or not, it seems gravity can take it’s toll eventually and you may need a crotch sling by the time you have a pension card. I did write a letter of complaint to the manufacturers of the female anatomy, but I’m yet to have a response.

The article I read points out the symptoms of pelvic floor dysfunction, in case peeing your pants isn’t obvious enough. Allow me to share.

Signs and symptoms of pelvic floor dysfunction:

  • accidentally leaking urine (or faeces) when you exercise, laugh, cough or sneeze
  • needing to get to the toilet in a hurry or not making it there in time
  • constantly needing to go to the toilet
  • finding it difficult to empty your bladder or bowel
  • accidentally losing control of your bladder or bowel
  • accidentally passing wind
  • a prolapse
    • in women, this may be felt as a bulge in the vagina or a feeling of heaviness, discomfort, pulling, dragging or dropping
    • in men, this may be felt as a bulge in the rectum or a feeling of needing to use their bowels but not actually needing to go
    • pain in your pelvic area, or
    • painful sex

If any of you, my darlings, leak faeces when you sneeze, I must recommend you go swiftly (maybe don’t run though, just brisk walk) to a physiotherapist that specializes in lady business, because you don’t win friends with leaky poo. As for accidentally farting, that’s not a biggie provided you have a small child or dog nearby to blame.

Need to do a lot of fanny crunches, or Frunches, as they're known in the business.

Need to do a lot of fanny crunches, or Frunches, as they’re known in the business.

A weakened pelvic floor is totally normal after childbirth, and unlike other saggy, baggy, droopy body parts, you can in many cases actually retrain it back to it’s former glory. It’s not rocket science, and it’s not even difficult but it appears than the biggest hurdle preventing ladies from getting their fanny crunches on is simply –

We forget.

I’m flat out remembering to brush my hair (I never, ever forget to eat. I totally don’t get those people), so remembering to clench and hold for ten seconds ten times, 100 times a day just seems to elude.

At least, it did, before THE INCIDENT.

I could quite happily never do another star jump in my entire life, but I don’t want to slowly, embarrassingly become totally incontinent. Screw that. Have you seen the size of some of those pads? You can’t fit those thingies in your Bonds hipster g-strings. No, siree, the only leaking I will abide is sweat, thank you very much for asking….oh, and a strong pelvic floor can also equal better orgasms.

Win/win.

Anyway, I can’t do them in public because I cannot keep a fricken’ poker face to save my life, but I’m trying to remember to do them in the car.

If you see me at the lights, and I look like I’m having some kind of conniption, don’t call the paramedics, I’m just doing Kegels.

Kegels face

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Having a blog flog this fine Friday with the gorgeous Flog Your Blog Friday crew over at With Some Grace

Humor, Uncategorized

Ugly Sexy is the new Hot… 8 of my faves

June 25, 2013

I have been known to have left-field taste when it comes to the smellier sex. Beauty is absolutely in the eye of the beholder, but every now and then even the beholder crumples their eyebrows together in a quizzical fashion and thinks –

‘Really???’

You know how sometimes you see someone across the room and think they’re as ugly as a hat full of arseholes, and yet when you talk to them you find them strangely desirable?

I can’t believe I find these dudes sexy, in fact, I should really probably keep it a secret. Don’t judge me, for I am just an animal and I can’t control these things.

Have a look at these sexy ugly schmos….

Jack Black

Jack-black

I have no idea what it is. He’s short, he’s chubby and he looks like he smells quite funky, and yet….
He doesn’t take himself seriously and seems very naughty in all the right ways. I reckon a night out with Jack would be raucous and hilarious. He’d take you out for Mexican and karaoke.
And he totally rocks the orange Yo Gabba Gabba suit (if you like that kind of thing).

jack-black yo gabba gabba

Heston Blumenthal

Heston-Blumenthal

 Heston is a little bit ginger, and a little bit ruddy, a little bit baldy and a little bit awkward.
Heston is also a little bit nerdy.
(Actually, that sounds like I just described my husband!!!)
Mix these elements together and you get someone hot. His experimental nature, his sense of fun and the way he pushes boundaries is super appealing……as is the thought of bacon and egg ice-cream in bed.

Adrian Brody

adrian brody

I just can’t put my finger on it with this guy. He’s beakier than Gonzo, and appears to be compiled of sharp edges all put together to make a man.
He did something to me in the Pianist and I’ve never gotten over it.

Hugh Fearnley -Wittingstall

hugh fearnley wittingstall

 I like dudes that can cook. I find a man in the kitchen quite sexy, unless he leaves a mess like Chernobyl. I think everyone would agree that Chernobyl was not sexy.
This scruffy haired host of the River Cottage just seems like a nice guy with a great food philosophy, and he can totally rock a bed of vegetables. One would need to be slightly cautious with said bed, however.
Is that a carrot in your pocket, Hugh?

Jack White

jack-white-pic

Emo, moody, kooky and quite odd. Jack White’s a ridiculously talented mo’fo who has some serious sex appeal. If you squint he looks like Johnny Depp’s cousin.
I would encourage him to either have a good night’s sleep or use a touch of concealer as he can bust out some eye bags like he’s done ten rounds with Tyson.

Steve Carrel

steve carrel

I hated 40 Year Old Virgin. I tried to watch it three times and each time I never got to the end. It sucks. It’s terrible.
Date Night? Appalling.
However, I saw Steve in indie flick Dan in Real Life opposite Juliette Binoche and I found him just lovely. He has lovely eyes, and a good sense of humor. Well, Dan did. I thought he’d be old enough to be my Dad but then I realised that I’m old too, so it’s not true.
How did I get so close to 40? At least I’m not a virgin.

Eddie Izzard

eddie izzard

I know, right? He’s a man half in drag….and yet?
Everyone agrees that a great sense of humor is attractive. Someone that can make you laugh is almost always 3/5 of 1/2 the way into your knicks.
In the case of Eddie Izzard, you could also borrow his knickers and probably shoes. I have big feet so this is sexier than you could imagine.
Possibly get some strange looks catching the bus together, but I’m not afraid of a little controversy.

Hugh Laurie

hugh-laurie

It’s not really about Hugh Laurie. I never found him appealing in Blackadder. So that leads me to conclude that my sexy ugly crush is all about House. Doctor Greg House the bad tempered, Vicadin addicted, wunderkind with the acerbic wit. It’s about the acerbic-ness I think. It appeals to my inner arsehole.

David Caruso

David-Caruso

Only joking.

Do you have a sexy ugly crush? Who is it? Go on, tell me!

If you have enjoyed this post be sure to like my Facebook page now, or subscribe via email and you can be sure to keep up with the Holsbys.

Hooking up with the gorgeous Jess at EssentiallyJess for some fun lovin’ IBOT action.

Still flogging my ugly sexy horse over at Flog Your Blog Friday with the divine Mama G.

Parenting, Ramblings of a Suburban Urbanite

Does your man have this disease?

June 9, 2013
Click image for 8 Steps to Finding a Lost Remote

Click image for 8 Steps to Finding a Lost Remote

There have been recent studies into a very real ailment that is causing much confusion and distress in the male of the human species.

This ailment has caused much anguish and frustration in households across the world as it appears that this epidemic knows no cultural boundaries.

Young or old, black or white, sadly, no one is exempt from this crippling scourge on man-kind. It seems that boys as young as three can be afflicted, and once it has set in, there is no cure.

Most males are fairly oblivious to this disability, so for the most part, they are thankfully, unaware of their impairment, but as the women – the wives and mothers- in their lives we see the steady decline and it affects us very deeply on emotional and physical levels.

I am, of course, referring to the very real issue that is  –

Male Pattern Blindness

This shocking disorder leaves dudes unable to see things right in front of their face, or find things where they left them.

It can be as simple as an inability to see mess, but it can become as debilitating as finding it impossible to find important things.
It is heartbreaking to see males frustratedly searching for keys, wallets and phones, time and again.

Often, the item is within plain site, but this terrible condition causes clouding of vision, and inability to see clearly.

A simple hunt for the remote can leave a man incredibly distressed, and missing items of clothing can cause full blown breakdowns which may include swearing, stomping, hurumphing or general uncool behaviour.
Pantries, refrigerators, and closets are all potential sites for causing an episode and I strongly urge you to be as supportive as you can when your man is searching for items deemed missing.

We, as carers, must endeavour not to take it personally when, caught in the flux of the condition, they may blame us for moving something, for hiding it, or shockingly, tidying something away.

Men and boys are unaware that they have this condition, and to draw attention may only cause them to become frightened, confused or angry, as it’s very difficult for their brains to register the disease.

As a carer you can endeavour to get your males to replace things in a specific location each time, but research indicates that merely leads to frustration of all parties, namely, you.

There is no cure. There is no prevention.

The only thing we can do is support one another.

Call the Association for Support of Male Optical Blindness now –

1800 ASS MOB

You don’t need to suffer alone.

Holsby TV, Humor, Ramblings of a Suburban Urbanite

Do you want a piece of me? Holsbys birthday video.

March 22, 2013

Some of you may know that I used to be an actress.

Now, all of you can see why I gave it up.

You may also note, I have not given up being a total idiot.

Somethings will never change.

I mean it from the bottom of my heart. Your comments, and clicks, emails and love, mean more to me than I can express.

I’m also well chuffed I stuck something out for a year.

Happy Birthday KUWTH. You’re now approaching toddlerhood.

Linking up with WithSomeGrace, to flog myself silly. Go see what Mama G is up to this week.

Whoring around this week with Flash Blog Friday, just so I can flash while I flog. Check out the FBF hostess with the mostess at Twinkle In The Eye

Humor, Ramblings of a Suburban Urbanite

15 Hipster Words You Need To Be Cool

March 19, 2013

Due to the simple fact that I’m a moderately uncool, almost middle aged person, I realised I needed to get a little jiggy with my hipster speak.

Sadly, I think jiggy went out in early 2000 when the Fresh Prince got his life ‘turned, flipped upside down’ and started making in-roads as a serious actor.

I thought I’d share a few spectacular Gen Y-isms that everyone should try to absorb into their vernacular, in order to up their cool rank.

Drop this shizzle at the right moment into the right conversation and you too can sound like your finger is somewhere near the pulse, if not actually on it.

1. Amazeballs

‘That dress makes your eyes look amazeballs’

Not sure how it came about, but can you imagine if you were the first person that ever put those two words together?
His friends would have laughed their arses off at him, and then started using it as an in joke…..and then it went viral.

Would the opposite be suckballs? Should be. I love that too.

Can I start a suckballs revolution?

That would be amazeballs.

2. Totes

‘I think he’s a douche bag’ ‘Totes’

I bloody totes love totes. You know why?

Because I’m really important and busy. So busy that using the word totally in it’s entirety is just too time consuming for me.
Using the word totes frees me up more time for Facebooking.

'Gee Burt, your rack looks totes amazeballs in that ensemble!'

‘Gee Burt, your rack looks totes amazeballs in that ensemble!’

3. Awks

‘I realised my skirt was tucked into the back of my undies. Totes awks.’

One of the biggest things I’m noticing is that we’re just abbreviating the crap outta stuff. That said, I love awks.

Awks is an awkward sounding abbreviation that covers everything from an accidental fart, to putting your foot in it.

I’ve been known to do both. Simultaneously.

4. Devo

‘I’m devo cos I’m heaps povo and I can’t afford to go so my FOMO is going off’

Devastated. I think devastation is such an amazingly powerful word that devo seems like the younger sibling.

If a family member forgets my birthday, I’m devo. If it is because hey has passed away, I’m devastated.

See? Different.

5. Grill

‘He was all up in my grill’

Your grill is your face, or more specifically, your teeth, but for some reason I always thought it was your arse.
Your arse is your trunk.

If you have your grill in someone’s trunk, you’d better hope they’re buying you dinner.

 6. Povo

‘I’d love to go see One Direction but I’m, like, povo’

I haven’t used this one, personally, but I can absolutely see the value in it.
Especially if I was, like, totally poverty stricken.

I don’t think we’ll be hearing it in World Vision ads any time soon.

7. LOL

Laughing is so unattractive and passe. Your mouth is wide open, you can see your tonsils, you may even snort or slap your thigh. Lolling is the way forward.

No one ever peed their pants lolling.

Pissing myself lolling......(need to work on my trout pout)

Pissing myself lolling……(need to work on my trout pout)

 

8. My bad

‘Shit, dude, my bad’

This one is a lame arse apology.

Instead of saying sorry, and meaning it, like a normal person, this is to be used when you want to sound flippant and like you don’t really give a flying…… now, in my opinion, if you’re in a position where you should be apologising, and you’re all blasé about it, someone is totes within their rights to punch you in the face.

'Did you just say MY BAD?????'

‘Did you just say MY BAD?????’

9. Rack

A rack is boobs. How someone came up with that, I’ll never know but I guess it has something to do with the top rack.
I don’t really use rack, as I’m not a boob spotter, but I do use rig for the entire kit.

‘Check out his rig’

 

10. Shizz or shizzle

These two can have totally different meanings.

You have ‘fo’ shizzle, my nizzle’ means for sure. WTF a nizzle is, I have no damned idea and can not find anything on the net……however, when I googled shizzle I found this, which is way funnier than anything I could ever come up with –

A word most often abused horribly by inexperienced suburban white douche-bags who wish to give themselves some falsified counterfeit form of street-cred.

Pure ghetto gold.

That said, I often also use shizzle for its other meaning. A polite form of shit i.e. I talk a lot of shizzle.
I feel like it’s code so my Nana won’t know I’ve got a mouth like a trucker.

Now I know I have a mouth like a suburban white douche-bag trucker.

My favorite kind.

11. Chillax
‘You need to chillax, homes’
Brilliant. An amalgamation of two of my favorite things. Chilling and relaxing.
Obviously, amalgamating can’t be done willy-nilly as you’ll sound like a twat and no one will know what you’re talking about.
12. Whatevs
‘It’s your turn to change the baby’s nappy’ ‘Whatevs’
My personal favourite. We all know that ‘whatevering’ someone is the ultimate dismissal, but an abbreviated whatever is about a million times ruder.
Use wisely though, if said in an argument, your argue-ee is well within their rights to bust your grill. Twice.

13. YOLO

‘You Only Live Once’

Personally I think anyone who says this is actually probably increasing their chances of being killed in a street fight so by the mere utterance of the wankism they may be contradicting the very sentiment….. by hey, I’m cynical arsehole.

14. FOMO

‘Fear Of Missing Out’

GUILTY. If my chronic Facebook over usage is anything to go by, I have this Gen Y affliction in spades.

15. Cray Cray

You’d have to flippin’cray cray to use this crappy one. Crazy. CRAZY!!

How fucking hard is it to say CRAZY? Still two syllables, and one has a Z which everyone knows is the coolest letter in the alphabet after the X.

This makes me feel a tad cray cray. For realsies.

If you dig this totes amazeballs post, you should like my Facebook page immediately, or subscribe via email, to be sure you always keep up with the Holsbys.

Hooking up with totes rad EssentiallyJess cos it’s Tuesday.
Humor, Parenting, Ramblings of a Suburban Urbanite

The Journey From Nappies to Undies……with a dash of bribery

January 3, 2013

20130103-074935.jpgIf you’re averse to poo stories, you should stop reading here, but let me at least say that this is a poo story that will have a happy ending.
Not all poo stories end so well, like that time in India that I thought it was safe to pass wind.

I’ve been very half-arsed about potty training D Man. I said I’d do it as soon as the weather warmed up, but summer was hot and cold and then raining, so we never really got consistent with pants off time.

We had a swazz on the potty here and there, and once there was an accidental nugget that even surprised him when he checked for a progress report.
Often, after a successful potty mission, he’d not want to go near the potty for days, almost freaked out by us throwing a part of him into the loo and flushing it away.

I’ve also noticed a shift in the way he feels about himself and his body.

My totally carefree little nudey angel has started to feel self-concious. It’s a bit sad.
It’s fair enough with the toilet business, no one has ever built a viewing platform in their toilet so ensure spectator comfort, but I’ve noticed his discomfort at other times too.
He’s become a bit shy about cruising around in the buff, especially if there are other people in the house, and he really, really REALLY doesn’t want his super-hot 20-year-old nanny to change his nappy.
No way, man.
He’s aware that nappies are not sexy.

I do not for one moment profess to be a parenting expert. In fact, I generally make it up as I go along and figure as long as I’m not intentionally creating neurosis in my soon-to-be adults, then I’m doing ok…….except it appears that perhaps I have unwittingly created a little ‘issue’ in my boy. I’ll get to that in a minute.

Now that D Man is T minus 5 days until DAYCARE, I decided I really needed to get serious about this potty business.

In the grand scheme of teaching little ones to use the throne, I think we’re about average for boys. D man is 2 and 8 months, and I know many boys that trained earlier, and I know many boys that trained later. I’m not fussed on what ‘everybody’ did because I knew that until now D Man hasn’t been totally ready, hence the minor success, then no luck for days.

Anyway, the point I’m trying to make is this – WE’RE WINNING!

I’d heard of people having success with bribery reward charts, so I thought I’d do us up a big old D MAN’S POTTY STICKER FABULOUSNESS chart. Points for wee wee, no points for my grammar, but he don’t care.
He gets rewarded by stickers for number 1s and when the ones add up to 5, he gets a small $2 present. When he does that 4 times through, he gets a big present.

A number 2 is an instant chocolate treat……but to be honest, we haven’t quite got there yet. There seems to be some reticence in that area. I’m not stressing but I’m finding myself singing the praises of scat (not to be confused with jazz scatting) after discovering that D Man is a bit embarrassed about the aroma of his expulsions.
We may, or may not, have made light-hearted jokes about needing a gas mask to change stinky pants, and I think our sensitive little soul is now self-conscious about something his father takes great pride in.
I tried to explain that everyone is a bit smelly, and it’s natural. I said I’m smelly, Nana is smelly and Oma is smelly too…..he earnestly looked at me is asked –

Peppa Pig?

I don’t think you all need a blow by blow breakdown of accidents, successes, stickers and presents, but I thought I’d write this in case anyone actually gives a shit that my little man is now, except for nights (anyone got advice on that?) out of nappies and in the cutest little jockey shorts you’ve ever seen.
Also, there is a possibility that you are training your little person and this post may revolutionise your life!

One kid down, one to go.

Hallefrickenlujah.

Humor, Ramblings of a Suburban Urbanite

Waving A Rubber Chicken At The World.

December 16, 2012

rubber chickenI’ve been feeling decidedly un-funny lately. I love busting out a witty, quippy blog, but lately, I’ve not had a lot of meat on my funny bone.

I’m not sure, exactly, where my mirth went.

If funny is like serotonin, perhaps the last few months of amusing posts have been the equivalent of a three-day E bender and I’m in the midst of a funny come-down?
Surely, I haven’t used it up for good, cos it would suck if I had to go through life being profoundly un-funny.
Un-funny people are widely known to be bland, and please God, give me anything but bland.

I suppose, though, that humour is quite a subjective thing.

For instance, there are a number of very popular sit-coms that I have just never been about to get my head around. Big Bang Theory is one such show.

Many people, whose sense of humour I respect and chortle at, have said it’s actually very clever and I should give it a chance.
I simply cannot see the funny. A smirk? Maybe, but it ain’t Arrested Development.

Now, that’s funny.

A Never-Nude who wears denim shorts in the shower, a frozen banana stand and a magic show with ‘The Final Countdown’ as a soundtrack?
That shit is gold………and as much as I love it, Mister H doesn’t dig it.

He doesn’t think it’s funny.

So, it kind of begs the question; What is funny?

Why does one person think one thing is hilarious and someone else just doesn’t dig it? Is it intellect? Upbringing? Culture?

I personally find humor in the unexpected and the absurd……and farts. Also, I really hate canned laughter in comedies. Being told when to laugh is suggesting that I’m stupid. That I can’t work it out on my own. Who came up with that idea, to spell it out?
Somebody unconfident with their jocular prowess, no doubt.

E.B. White once wrote that “humor can be dissected, as a frog can, but the thing dies in the process and the innards are discouraging to any but the pure scientific mind.”

You know yourself that trying to explain a joke to someone just completely kills every little element of surprise, which is the thing that holds the amusement. So, you finish explaining it to them and they go ‘Ah ha’ and generally still don’t laugh because although now they understand the joke, they don’t get it. Which was the issue in the first place.

Let’s have a look at radio, which is a bit of a hot topic at the moment.

Are prank calls funny? Well, I’d sincerely love to look down my nose and say, nooooooooo, prank calls are for chumps, but the answer there is yes. It’s not high-brow humor, but it can be side-splitting.
I can remember spending hours making prank calls as a kid…. and nearly wetting my dacks with laughter.

I once heard of one where a husband rang the radio station on air and had to answer some questions about his marriage. Then they called his wife and if her answers corresponded with her husband’s, then the lucky couple won a holiday.

The final question was ‘Where did you last have sex?’

The hubby got all embarrassed and explained that it was a bit kooky because his mother-in-law is staying with them at the moment and while she was in the shower, this very morning, they had a quicky on the kitchen table.

They called the wife and she breezed through all of the questions and then they got to the final question of their last coital encounter.

She balked. She went all awkward. She stuttered and stammered and she queried whether her husband had really told them that detail?

Her husband assured her, just tell the DJ the truth, and they were home and hosed on their tropical vacation.

She took a deep breath, and with a little giggle, she responded –

‘Up the arse’.

The DJ couldn’t speak for a full two minutes. The rumor is, he laughed so hard he thought he was having a heart attack. The couple won the holiday though. Presumably for not suing the radio station for the mortifying joke they had just become.

I can’t speak for you guys, but I think that’s pretty funny. It’s funny because it was totally unexpected…..and embarrassing.

I do find other people’s embarrassment funny……does that make me a monster?

Naaaaaah.

What of this latest 2DayFM gag?

Just in case you live in a tent it was where the DJ’s rang the English hospital that was treating Kate Middleton for chronic morning sickness and they posed as the Queen. The nurse on duty divulged personal information about the Duchess and in the subsequent shit-storm allegedly took her own life.

There is no way anyone could have known what would happen in that phone conversation, and I dare say they would have been hoping for something unexpected and/or absurd. I’m not going to pass judgement on this situation, the whole world appears to have judged them enough.

I’m sad that the DJ’s are now getting death threats. That’s hardly going to fix things.

Anyway, I feel like a lot of unfunny things have been going on lately, and I reckon I’m not far away from pulling a rubber chicken on the Universe and waving it wildly.
Life is funny.

Even many of the shit bits are funny eventually.

Humor, Ramblings of a Suburban Urbanite

Christmas Wishlist

December 13, 2012

Ok, let me preface this entire post by saying I don’t actually need anything this year.

My children are happy and healthy, and the recent return of my engagement ring is really present enough for this year…..now that I have that lovely sentiment out of the way, there are maybe a couple of little things that would improve the quality of my life.

I would love to be altruistic and ask everyone to buy a village a goat and call it Mrs H, or send school books to impoverished lands, and, of course, I definitely  encourage this behaviour, but I do love to receive a little somethin’ somethin’ under the Christmas tree, so I can jump up early on Christmas morning and with bleary eyes and morning breath, tear into the brightly coloured paper and have just a few moments of magic before the gluttonous festivities commence.

I am a consumer.

I love to give gifts and I love to receive gifts.

The thing is, whenever someone says, ‘what would you like for Christmas?’ I go completely blank and I can’t think of a damned thing I want.
I thought I’d pop together a few suggestions, in case you wanted to put something under my tree……

Robo-Vacuum

Robo-Vacuum

ROBO-VACUUM

I have made no secret about how I feel about vacuuming. I’m also a bit sick of the cat. I wonder if this is the perfect answer???

Grass Thongs

Grass Thongs

GRASS THONGS

I love walking bare foot in grass, but I’m finding that the grass out here in the ‘burbs is a veritable minefield. If i’m not hobbling from bindis, I’m getting dog-poo between my bare toes. These are the perfect solution and they can be worn year round.

Finger Food Picker

Finger Food Picker

FINGER FOOD PICKER

Eating with your hands is soooo 2012. This year, when I host parties, I want to dazzle everyone with some finger-food pickers. Hell, I could still eat even if all my other fingers were broken. One must be most mindful of not picking ones nose though, as no-one wants to dash their hostess with the mostess to Emergency with a punctured septum.

Wine Glass Bottle

Wine Glass Bottle

BOTTLE GLASS

I don’t think this really needs much of an explanation, but I definitely need one of these, please, Santa. Tell those elves that I might even need two.

Oops, I Did It Again Apron

Oops, I Did It Again Apron

BRITTANY APRON

I’m not really one for role play, but I reckon I could channel a little Brittany with an apron like this. Ironically, instead of protecting my clothes whilst cooking, it’s more likely to hide the banana and vomit stained atrocity underneath.

Bacon Marmalade

Bacon Marmalade

BACON MARMALADE

I love bacon. I love marmalade. Hello, pig gastronomy.

Wine Rack Sports Bra

Wine Rack Sports Bra

WINE RACK SPORTS BRA

This is freaking awesome!!! I love exercise. It really helps me with my mood, with my energy levels and with my sanity. I love wine for pretty much the same reason, and now it’s entirely possible to do a high-intensity session without spilling a drop.

Result!

Toastie Hand Warmers

Toastie Hand Warmers

TOASTIE HAND WARMERS

This house was really cold last winter and I often found as I was typing my fingers were frozen…..not with these toastie little rippers.
You plug them into your USB holes and they are heated. Who comes up with the stuff? Totally awesome genius’, ya.

Eat Fit Cutlery

Eat Fit Cutlery

EAT FIT CUTLERY

Once again, I love to eat and I love to work out….with time being so precious, why wouldn’t I try to fit more of both into my day? I think it may be awkward when my Pop-Eye arms bust out of my clothes because I’ve done too many reps over the silly season.

Sound Proof Headphones

Sound Proof Headphones

SOUND PROOF HEADPHONES

I probably won’t even listen to music. Silence truly is golden…..or I might crank a little ‘Don’t Stop Till You Get Enough’ while I vacuum.

Oh, that’s right, I won’t need to vacuum with my Robo-Vac.

Can’t wait for Christmas morning!

What are you hoping to see under your tree this year?

Humor, Parenting, Ramblings of a Suburban Urbanite

Monster Wanted For Questioning

November 14, 2012

A monster is wanted for questioning in relation to an incident that has left a family shocked and frightened in the early hours of this morning.

In a Southern Sydney suburb at about 5.30am this morning, the victim claims he heard a loud, scary monster under his bed.

Another key witness at the scene claims to have heard the cat, Mister Fluffy Pants, running down the hall on the wooden floor at approximately the same time. It is uncertain if the cat was running away from the monster, or if it is indeed a case of mistaken identity.

Authorities tried to question Mister Fluffy Pants but he was hiding under the bed and unavailable for comment at this time.

When shown a line-up of photographs, the victim was unable to positively identify the perpetrator with the only definite points of identification being that the monster had large feet, big teeth and sharp claws.
Obviously, all monsters do not look alike, however, this is not much for the authorities to lead their investigation with.

It is believed that it may be the same monster that has been terrorising other families in the area but until authorities question him, it is too early to say if he is a serial monster.

The victim was treated for shock and terror at the scene before being moved shortly after to Mummy and Daddy’s bed, where no one proceeded to get any sleep. After a short time authorities thoroughly searched the area and pronounced it clear of all monsters and the victim could return to his room.

Sadly, he was unable to return to sleep and is feeling very fractious and upset today. Understandably.

Another key witness at the scene was heard to comment ‘Bloody typical’ as it is believed she was having the best night’s sleep in 7 months with the family’s younger child having slept all the way through for the second time ever.

If you see this monster, do not approach him as he may be dangerous. If you have any information that leads to the arrest of this monster you may be entitled to a reward.

Harbouring this monster will be severely dealt with by authorities as it is a serious offence in all states of Australia.